Hot Curlers

I'm still obsessed with curling. Obsessed with curling and very, very hung over. Therefore, have some pictures of curlers and be happy.

 

I am still totally obsessed with the Winter Olympics...

I want to learn how to either do Ski Cross or Snowboard Cross... preferably Ski Cross. Basically I want to race down a mountain with sticks, duelling along the way.  Or, perhaps, I'll learn to bobsleigh. As a no-year no claims bonus will attest to, I'm a damn good driver and as I'm also a pretty big guy, I'm sure I could give it a decent push. I helped push start my dad's car once. One time, I was also part of a gang that stole my mate's Vauxhall Nova by just picking it up and walking off with it, although that is entirely a different story.

I wouldn't mind giving curling a go as well, purely to get to shout and slide a lot. Oh, and hang out with female curlers. They look awesome. It appears that (German curlers excluded) to be a female curler, you have to either be some saucy little minx or some kinky MILF.

 

I want to slide down the ice with these people, if you know what I mean...

One sport I could never, ever do, though, is cross country skiing. Seriously, those guys are defective in the head. Have you seen them at the finish line? It is the only sport I can think of where absolutely everyone who crosses the finish line collapses on site. No exceptions. It is absolutely bonkers.

I couldn't do speed skating either, as I'd feel self conscious in all that lycra, bent over. It just isn't natural. Plus, I'm not Korean and from what I've seen that is a major disadvantage. Figure skating, too, is out for me. I do not have an ounce of agility in me. Seriously, have you seen those guys and gals? They defy the laws of physics on a regular basis. I also can't do Ice Hockey as I have an aversion to being punched in the face by angry Canadians.

TL:DR – Yes, I am still utterly obsessed with the Winter Olympics and my Twitter feed is still just one giant monument to the glory that is sliding down a mountain as fast as possible.

Things I've Noticed About The Winter Olympics

As anyone following my Twitter feed will know, I've become obsessed with the Winter Olympics. Here are some of my thoughts:

• Every Russian athlete is hot. Especially the curling team. Seriously. Wow. 
• The speed skaters' thighs defy logic, physics and possibly the laws of God
• If the Winter Olympics is just full of sports that involve sliding, why aren't water slides and those long sheets of plastic that you laid on the lawn as a kid, squirted with washing up liquid and a hose and slid down that broke at least one kids collar bone each summer proper Olympic sports?
•  Have I mentioned the speed skaters' thighs?
• Why invite some of the Ice Hockey nations when it is just obvious that they are there to be mocked?
• Since when did it become a part of the Communist party plan to make gymnasts turn into snowboarders? Is it like some form of punishment? "Oh fuck you, you fell of the bars, we are going to strap you to a baking tray and shove you down a steep mountain!"
• I feel morally superior to Shaun White. He may be infinately more talented than me, but I have better hair. 
• I want to bobsleigh. Not in the Olympics, just in my day to day life. Also, I want to bobsleigh drunk. 
• Curling is slightly erotic. All that sliding about on the ice and grunting. Think about it. 
• Figure skating is the best sport ever invented. I couldn't do that shit standing on firm ground, let along skating around on one leg. Also, Brett Favre may be renowned for throwing a football hard but I doubt even he could get a spiral on a fucking person.
• Why don't speed skaters use their blades more constructively? I mean the big juicey acheles tendons of their rivals are there for the stomping
• Double Luge is the most homo-erotic sport ever. Seriously, it's just full of men in lycra laying on top of each other grunting. 
• Finally, who in their right mind thinks 'I want to be an Olympian. I know, I'll lay on a baking tray on my front and slide down a mountain at 140kph! GENIUS!'