I don't know if I just happen to semi-know a lot of people, or spend a bit too much time people watching (you know, when you just sort of chill out and watch other people as the world goes by), but when I'm out and about on a Friday or Saturday (or Thursday, or Wednesday... you see where this is going?) night I see an awful lot of people I recognise. Some of them I actually know, either quite well or in a “Hey, aren't you so-or-so's friend? Didn't we go to school together?” sort of way. Some of them I just recognise the stereotype. Anyway, the point is I recognise a lot of people. Here are some of them.
The 'Hey, don't I know you? I don't? Ooooh...' Guy
You all know the feeling. There you are, stood at the bar with drink in hand having a ball when you see someone wander across the room. Your brain, for whatever reason, straight away says “Hey, I know that guy!” You then make a beeline over to them and greet them with a huge hug saying things like “Oh my god John! How are you buddy, I haven't seen you since that end of year party as a freshman?” or “Wow, Craig, awesome to see you? You moved back into the area now? How long has it been?” Thing is, they have no fucking clue who you are. You have basically just wandered up to a stranger and started talking to them. They may look an awful lot like your long lost buddy, but in reality they are just some dude trying to have fun and you are this weirdo who keeps trying to touch them. You either don't know them and never did or they have completely forgotten you. Move away and save at least a shred of dignity. Or quote popular memes from the era.
The 'Oh my god I do NOT want to talk to this screwed up guy' Guy
Usually, the Screwed Up Guy can be found in the smoking areas of clubs that he is far, far too old to frequent. Maybe he remembers the time when the place was a more age appropriate bar. Maybe he was even young enough to go there when it first opened. Usually, though, he just goes there as the cheap booze deals which attract the chronically cash strapped youth also appeal to him. Anyway, we have all met the guy. You wander outside to have a quick smoke and maybe use your phone when all of a sudden this random old drunk dude starts yapping at you. Usually something about 'back in my day' or 'hey I did this once' kind of stuff. You are then left with two choices – give monosyllabic answers as the old drunk douche goes on about something you don't care about, or you end up joining him. The later is considered worthy of the death penalty, by the way. The secret third option is of course to immediately stop drinking in case you turn into them.
The 'Hey, would you buy me a drink?' Girl
You all know the one. She knows every guy in the club. She knows twice as many guys outside of the club who will be willing to give her a lift home. She gets in for free because she is a little favourite of the bouncers. She drinks for free because convinces guys that if they buy her a drink, they will totally have a shot with her. She is also very good at picking on guys. She never picks the confident ones, as they would either be more skilled at coercing something in return or just tell her no. Instead, she picks on the runt of the litter. The guy who doesn't really find big bars and clubs 'his scene'. The guy who looks kind of awkward. The guy who would probably rather be at home seeing if he can get through MGS4 without killing anyone unnecessarily. This guy doesn't see the 'Hey, would you buy me a drink' Girl as what she is – just some girl using her sexuality to score free stuff. Oh no, he sees her as one of those girls which his friends tell him about. He thinks SCORE! I'm in! She thinks I'm cute! I'm going to have sex with her! I'll marry her! I'm in love! Poor guy....
The 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl
We all know them. They will go out dressed in skin tight mini dresses that are considered too long if they go an inch over their bum. They will wear tops which show off their boobs, which have of course been made more alluring with glittery sparkly stuff. They will have spend hours getting themselves ready for the night. They look stunning. Slutty, yes, but still stunning. Then you dare to look at them and all you get back is “What the fuck are you looking at, you pervert?” I'm sorry, but if you are going to spend hours dressing yourself up in clothes that show off your body to the maximum, then you do not get to complain when people stare. Without a word of a lie, one of my friends who is a bit of a 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl went to a Beach Party themed club night in a bikini. Not even a modest bikini either, we are talking skimpy stuff. She wore a big old coat and then she walked in and took it off, the entire band of surrounding guys of course started up. She then turned around and went in all seriousness “What the fuck are you doing that for? Get a life you perverts!” and stormed off. This is a girl who wore a bikini to club getting pissy that people looked. Unbelievable...
More to follow on Thursday! Also, if you liked this you may enjoy Five Different Kinds of Drunk and Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Blogging keeps you awake for boxing - FACT!
Oh my fucking god am I tired. I mean, I thought this whole covering sport thing would be fun. Well, it isn't when it keeps you up for 22 odd hours at a time. Anyway, in order to keep myself awake throughout the Pacquiao vs Clottey fight, I thought I'd make running updates for today's post. Here we go...
Pre Fight
It is sods law that the fight before the main event is going the distance. Don't they know that I am crying out for my bed!? Come on people, stop coasting to the end and knock each other out. Or go to points. Whatever. Just make me suffer.
Finally... now we just get the twenty minutes of video packages and ring entrances... yay...
The Sky guys are amazed about the massive HD screens at Cowboys Stadium. That is what I've been gawking at all year during Cowboys home games... well, the screens and Romo's interceptions...
My lungs are going to regret the whole smoking to stay awake thing I'm doing at the moment. Also, it took Clottey so long to reach the ring... god only knows how much Pacman will milk it.
After about 7 hours of build up, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Round One
Pacman looks to take an early advantage, but most of his hits bounce off Clottey's guard. Clottey has a few searching punches but he must know that no judge in the world would give him a points victory over the cashcow of Pacquiao. He is just sizing him up for a KO shot. 10 – 9 to Pacman.
Round Two
Pacman is starting to pick his gaps and get shots in on Clottey, who is too busy protecting his head to protect his sides. Clottey is in a very passive mood tonight, and that annoys me. He is getting the odd shot out, but nothing that will ruffle the wee diddy Filipino. Second round to Pacman too – 20 – 18
Round Three
Come on Clottey, PLEASE do something other than make Pacman throw punches. Please. That will not get you a victory. No, do something – stop standing there getting hit. And throw punches other than jabs. That may help. Hmm.. saying that, Pacman is getting caught by a few. If he didn't have a chin made of steel that may do something. I'm still giving this round to Pacman, but it would not surprise me if at least one judge gave it to Clottey – 30 – 27 to Pacquiao.
Round Four
Pacman is still unloading, but it looks as if the few punches Clottey is landing are a bit heavier. Still, in terms of work rate and ring control Pacman is walking this so far. He shouldn't get careless, but Clottey doesn't appear interested in challenging at the moment. I stayed up for this? 40 – 36 to Pacman.
Round Five
Pacq is easing off a tiny bit, allowing Clottey to get a word in. Clottey has had the best opening here but Pacman is finishing the round strong. To be honest, I think Pacman is easing off and looking for counter opportunities. Eurgh, tough round to judge... still, I'll give it to Pacman again. 50 – 45
Round Six
Come on Clottey... let loose. It won't hurt... well, until you get punched in the face. I think the last round got a bit close for comfort for Pacman, he is still allowing Clottey to come at him to open up counter opportunities but is throwing enough to control the round. Watching this one sided match makes me wish I was seeing Mayweather in there even more. 60 – 54.
Round Seven
The trainer is finally taking my advice and is telling Clottey to start taking some chances. He needs to do something, his only hope to get remotely even is a knock down. And, no offence to Clottey, I don't see him knocking Pacq down unless something really fucking weird happens. Right now, Pacman is just sitting back, throwing the odd punch, letting Clottey come at him and then throwing a ton of punches. He did get caught by one sole meaningful punch, though. Oooh, and one or two more. Still dominating, though. Respectful touch of gloves after the taller Clottey got on top in a weird clinch on Pacman. Still, after all that it is 70 – 63.
Round Eight
I've got bored of saying this now. Pacman doing enough, Clottey gives it a token go and then Pacman unleashes. Low blow by Clottey there, and Pacman takes a few seconds to check his balls are intact. I guess they are as they are back at it. The ref, weirdly, tries to break up the friendly glove pat at the end of the round. 80 – 72.
Round Nine
Clottey's trainer Jesus (no relation) points out the blindingly obvious – he is losing every single round. Despite knowing he is losing, Clottey is still just sort of standing there getting hit. I really hate fights like this. And I know it will trudge on like this for the distance. The Sky commentators, trying to keep us bored sleepy people interested, wonder if Clottey has something special he is saving for the last rounds. I'm betting.... no. In a weird way, it is a shame Clottey hasn't got a cut or something so his corner have an excuse to pull him. Pacman now bored with poking Clottey and looks like he is going for the knockout. 90 – 81.
Round Ten
Clottey is just going for the 12 rounds so he can say he went 12 rounds with Pacquiao. Jesus says the ref will stop it unless Clottey throws some punches. Personally, I think this should have been stopped in round four. Clottey does not stand a chance and if Pacman goes for the KO, he could get hurt. I suppose I need to give Clottey his dues for taking this ass whooping like a man, but come on now. Just give up, there is no shame in losing to a monster like Pacman. 100 – 90. The round hasn't even finished and I'm writing up the score. Clottey is giving it a little go now, but if he thinks he can get a one punch KO on Pacquiao then he is gravely mistaken.
Round Eleven
The crowd are urging Clottey on, probably to just fucking do something of use. He has wounded Pacman, though, who has a tiny welt under his eye. Two huge punches from Clottey. He is not going down without a fight. At this rate I might give him the round. Probably wont, but I might. The crowd have woken up. Pacman is not happy that Clottey started throwing and is now turning the power back up. 110 – 99, although you could argue the case for Clottey in that round.
Round Twelve
The roof is open in Dallas to let all the hot air out. God I hope that Mayweather's fight is better than this. Anyway, Clottey is finally just throwing without a care in the world. He is getting tagged, though, and Pacman looks as lively now as he did in the first. Any young boxer should take a lesson from Pacman's work rate. Right, this is boring now... just finish, let me see if Pacman did win every round and I got the card right and let me fucking sleep. 120 – 108.
Post Fight
They are hugging and now Clottey is wondering how he will spend his purse as he gets a lap of honour on his trainer's shoulder. He could be a good opponent for people looking to test their work rate and counter punch countering, but that is about it. He got hit so many times and never blinked. In fact, Pacquiao's face is a bigger mess.
One judge agreed with me. The rest gave Clottey one token round, probably the eleventh. All I can say is that if boxing wants to compete with MMA, you need to do better than that. That was so fucking dull. I'm going to sleep. Humph. Oh, and I can be up in a few hours
Pre Fight
It is sods law that the fight before the main event is going the distance. Don't they know that I am crying out for my bed!? Come on people, stop coasting to the end and knock each other out. Or go to points. Whatever. Just make me suffer.
Finally... now we just get the twenty minutes of video packages and ring entrances... yay...
The Sky guys are amazed about the massive HD screens at Cowboys Stadium. That is what I've been gawking at all year during Cowboys home games... well, the screens and Romo's interceptions...
My lungs are going to regret the whole smoking to stay awake thing I'm doing at the moment. Also, it took Clottey so long to reach the ring... god only knows how much Pacman will milk it.
After about 7 hours of build up, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Round One
Pacman looks to take an early advantage, but most of his hits bounce off Clottey's guard. Clottey has a few searching punches but he must know that no judge in the world would give him a points victory over the cashcow of Pacquiao. He is just sizing him up for a KO shot. 10 – 9 to Pacman.
Round Two
Pacman is starting to pick his gaps and get shots in on Clottey, who is too busy protecting his head to protect his sides. Clottey is in a very passive mood tonight, and that annoys me. He is getting the odd shot out, but nothing that will ruffle the wee diddy Filipino. Second round to Pacman too – 20 – 18
Round Three
Come on Clottey, PLEASE do something other than make Pacman throw punches. Please. That will not get you a victory. No, do something – stop standing there getting hit. And throw punches other than jabs. That may help. Hmm.. saying that, Pacman is getting caught by a few. If he didn't have a chin made of steel that may do something. I'm still giving this round to Pacman, but it would not surprise me if at least one judge gave it to Clottey – 30 – 27 to Pacquiao.
Round Four
Pacman is still unloading, but it looks as if the few punches Clottey is landing are a bit heavier. Still, in terms of work rate and ring control Pacman is walking this so far. He shouldn't get careless, but Clottey doesn't appear interested in challenging at the moment. I stayed up for this? 40 – 36 to Pacman.
Round Five
Pacq is easing off a tiny bit, allowing Clottey to get a word in. Clottey has had the best opening here but Pacman is finishing the round strong. To be honest, I think Pacman is easing off and looking for counter opportunities. Eurgh, tough round to judge... still, I'll give it to Pacman again. 50 – 45
Round Six
Come on Clottey... let loose. It won't hurt... well, until you get punched in the face. I think the last round got a bit close for comfort for Pacman, he is still allowing Clottey to come at him to open up counter opportunities but is throwing enough to control the round. Watching this one sided match makes me wish I was seeing Mayweather in there even more. 60 – 54.
Round Seven
The trainer is finally taking my advice and is telling Clottey to start taking some chances. He needs to do something, his only hope to get remotely even is a knock down. And, no offence to Clottey, I don't see him knocking Pacq down unless something really fucking weird happens. Right now, Pacman is just sitting back, throwing the odd punch, letting Clottey come at him and then throwing a ton of punches. He did get caught by one sole meaningful punch, though. Oooh, and one or two more. Still dominating, though. Respectful touch of gloves after the taller Clottey got on top in a weird clinch on Pacman. Still, after all that it is 70 – 63.
Round Eight
I've got bored of saying this now. Pacman doing enough, Clottey gives it a token go and then Pacman unleashes. Low blow by Clottey there, and Pacman takes a few seconds to check his balls are intact. I guess they are as they are back at it. The ref, weirdly, tries to break up the friendly glove pat at the end of the round. 80 – 72.
Round Nine
Clottey's trainer Jesus (no relation) points out the blindingly obvious – he is losing every single round. Despite knowing he is losing, Clottey is still just sort of standing there getting hit. I really hate fights like this. And I know it will trudge on like this for the distance. The Sky commentators, trying to keep us bored sleepy people interested, wonder if Clottey has something special he is saving for the last rounds. I'm betting.... no. In a weird way, it is a shame Clottey hasn't got a cut or something so his corner have an excuse to pull him. Pacman now bored with poking Clottey and looks like he is going for the knockout. 90 – 81.
Round Ten
Clottey is just going for the 12 rounds so he can say he went 12 rounds with Pacquiao. Jesus says the ref will stop it unless Clottey throws some punches. Personally, I think this should have been stopped in round four. Clottey does not stand a chance and if Pacman goes for the KO, he could get hurt. I suppose I need to give Clottey his dues for taking this ass whooping like a man, but come on now. Just give up, there is no shame in losing to a monster like Pacman. 100 – 90. The round hasn't even finished and I'm writing up the score. Clottey is giving it a little go now, but if he thinks he can get a one punch KO on Pacquiao then he is gravely mistaken.
Round Eleven
The crowd are urging Clottey on, probably to just fucking do something of use. He has wounded Pacman, though, who has a tiny welt under his eye. Two huge punches from Clottey. He is not going down without a fight. At this rate I might give him the round. Probably wont, but I might. The crowd have woken up. Pacman is not happy that Clottey started throwing and is now turning the power back up. 110 – 99, although you could argue the case for Clottey in that round.
Round Twelve
The roof is open in Dallas to let all the hot air out. God I hope that Mayweather's fight is better than this. Anyway, Clottey is finally just throwing without a care in the world. He is getting tagged, though, and Pacman looks as lively now as he did in the first. Any young boxer should take a lesson from Pacman's work rate. Right, this is boring now... just finish, let me see if Pacman did win every round and I got the card right and let me fucking sleep. 120 – 108.
Post Fight
They are hugging and now Clottey is wondering how he will spend his purse as he gets a lap of honour on his trainer's shoulder. He could be a good opponent for people looking to test their work rate and counter punch countering, but that is about it. He got hit so many times and never blinked. In fact, Pacquiao's face is a bigger mess.
One judge agreed with me. The rest gave Clottey one token round, probably the eleventh. All I can say is that if boxing wants to compete with MMA, you need to do better than that. That was so fucking dull. I'm going to sleep. Humph. Oh, and I can be up in a few hours
Friday, 12 March 2010
Hey, check this out!
All weekend I'm going to be covering the opening Formula One Grand Prix of the season live at my F1 blog The Black Stuff. This is a hugely daunting task.
I've never really done the whole live sports coverage thing before. I've done more analysis than I can shake a stick at, and taken part in umpteen of these live chats with the guys over at Shutdown Corner, but never actually done one myself.
Well, still, lets see how I cope. Drop in over the weekend and check it out -I'll be live whenever the cars are on the track.
I've never really done the whole live sports coverage thing before. I've done more analysis than I can shake a stick at, and taken part in umpteen of these live chats with the guys over at Shutdown Corner, but never actually done one myself.
Well, still, lets see how I cope. Drop in over the weekend and check it out -I'll be live whenever the cars are on the track.
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Five More Different Kinds of Drunk
Seeing as my last outing here, in which I highlighted “Five Different Kinds of Drunk”, was pretty popular (at least according to Google Analytics), I thought I'd do full explanations of the kinds of drunk who only made the honourable mentions list first time around.
I hereby present Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
Enabling Drunk
The Enabling Drunk is often found right in the heart of all the drama that surrounds a typical night on the town. Whether it is two people having a disagreement, someone being an Emotional Drunk, someone cheating or just any sort of event that is above and beyond the norm of dancing and drinking heavily, you can guarantee that the Enabling Drunk will be smack bam in the middle. They will spur on Emotional Drunks, telling them that their problems are the greatest to ever befoul such a kind soul. They will needlessly stir the pot when two Fight Your Friend Drunks get to each others throats and they will blow any sort of kissing between two people not in a long term relationship completely out of proportion. Enabling Drunks are also the most likely to cry at doormen.
Loud Drunk
There is something about the Loud Drunk that means that with each and every drink that they pour down their beck, their voice creeps ever louder. It will begin with them just talking a tiny bit louder than everyone else. Then they will start talking over everyone else. Then they just don't stop talking. By the end of the night, if anyone is brave enough to be near the Loud Drunk then they must either already be deaf or be wearing earplugs. The Loud Drunk does have their advantages, though, as they are quite often used to order drinks successfully over a noisy bar.
Fight Your Friends Drunk
“Oi you! Yeah, you! You who has been my best mate for at leas five years? What the fuck are you looking at? Did you say something about me? Did you make a pass at my girlfriend? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your fucking face! Come on then! I'll have ya! Oh my god I'm so sorry dude! I never meant to act like that! You're my best friend, I love you man. I'm so sorry. What do you mean you don't accept my apology? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your stupid fucking face!”
Predator Drunk
Predator Drunks are the kinds of drunks who are usually found creeping around the outsides of a nightspot. You will rarely see a Predator Drunk venture into the middle of the dance floor to pick up their victims. Instead you will find them acting far more cunningly, stalking the outside areas looking for vulnerable Emotional Drunks or messy Drunk Drunks. Generally, there are two types of Predator Drunks. Male Predator Drunks will look for women who are either looking in a bit of emotional distress or just Drunk Drunk in order to act the knight in shining armour and swoop in for easy prey. Female Predator Drunks, though, will generally seek out intoxicated below-normal attractive men and make them buy them drinks by flaunting their lady bits. It goes without saying, of course, that Female Predator Drunks will never, ever let anyone actually touch their lady bits, they just want the drinks.
Naked Drunk
Alcohol does things to some people. Sometimes it is a freak, one off occurrence. Sometimes it happens with a disturbing amount of regularity. Whatever the frequency, the end result is always the same – alcohol makes some people get naked. I'm not talking about an 'Alcohol Makes You Sleep With People' thing here, oh no. I mean that get some people drunk and they feel the need to get naked in public. When the Naked Drunk hits that stage, their clothes become an uncomfortable nuisance and all they can think of is being naked and free like a German tourist. Sometimes a guy will take his top off and swirl his shirt around his head. Sometimes a girl will get her boobs out in order to elicit a cheer from a bunch of horny guys. Skinny dipping is usually involved somewhere down the line too, assuming a large enough body of water can be found. The exact situation matters not, though. All that matters is the point that Naked Drunks like to get naked.
I hereby present Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
Enabling Drunk
The Enabling Drunk is often found right in the heart of all the drama that surrounds a typical night on the town. Whether it is two people having a disagreement, someone being an Emotional Drunk, someone cheating or just any sort of event that is above and beyond the norm of dancing and drinking heavily, you can guarantee that the Enabling Drunk will be smack bam in the middle. They will spur on Emotional Drunks, telling them that their problems are the greatest to ever befoul such a kind soul. They will needlessly stir the pot when two Fight Your Friend Drunks get to each others throats and they will blow any sort of kissing between two people not in a long term relationship completely out of proportion. Enabling Drunks are also the most likely to cry at doormen.
Loud Drunk
There is something about the Loud Drunk that means that with each and every drink that they pour down their beck, their voice creeps ever louder. It will begin with them just talking a tiny bit louder than everyone else. Then they will start talking over everyone else. Then they just don't stop talking. By the end of the night, if anyone is brave enough to be near the Loud Drunk then they must either already be deaf or be wearing earplugs. The Loud Drunk does have their advantages, though, as they are quite often used to order drinks successfully over a noisy bar.
Fight Your Friends Drunk
“Oi you! Yeah, you! You who has been my best mate for at leas five years? What the fuck are you looking at? Did you say something about me? Did you make a pass at my girlfriend? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your fucking face! Come on then! I'll have ya! Oh my god I'm so sorry dude! I never meant to act like that! You're my best friend, I love you man. I'm so sorry. What do you mean you don't accept my apology? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your stupid fucking face!”
Predator Drunk
Predator Drunks are the kinds of drunks who are usually found creeping around the outsides of a nightspot. You will rarely see a Predator Drunk venture into the middle of the dance floor to pick up their victims. Instead you will find them acting far more cunningly, stalking the outside areas looking for vulnerable Emotional Drunks or messy Drunk Drunks. Generally, there are two types of Predator Drunks. Male Predator Drunks will look for women who are either looking in a bit of emotional distress or just Drunk Drunk in order to act the knight in shining armour and swoop in for easy prey. Female Predator Drunks, though, will generally seek out intoxicated below-normal attractive men and make them buy them drinks by flaunting their lady bits. It goes without saying, of course, that Female Predator Drunks will never, ever let anyone actually touch their lady bits, they just want the drinks.
Naked Drunk
Alcohol does things to some people. Sometimes it is a freak, one off occurrence. Sometimes it happens with a disturbing amount of regularity. Whatever the frequency, the end result is always the same – alcohol makes some people get naked. I'm not talking about an 'Alcohol Makes You Sleep With People' thing here, oh no. I mean that get some people drunk and they feel the need to get naked in public. When the Naked Drunk hits that stage, their clothes become an uncomfortable nuisance and all they can think of is being naked and free like a German tourist. Sometimes a guy will take his top off and swirl his shirt around his head. Sometimes a girl will get her boobs out in order to elicit a cheer from a bunch of horny guys. Skinny dipping is usually involved somewhere down the line too, assuming a large enough body of water can be found. The exact situation matters not, though. All that matters is the point that Naked Drunks like to get naked.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Five Different Kinds of Drunk
This might be surprising to some people, but I got drunk last night. And while I was in this drunken state, I started coming up with theories. It is something I often do, as my mind is usually more productive when it has umpteen pints of beer in it. Although, last night it was closer to umpteen measures of whiskey in it. Anyway, I digress...
When I got drunk last night, I started theorising about the different kinds of drunk there are. I don't mean stuff like “It's fun to go out drinking with Steve, he is a really great guy when he is hammered” or “Never, ever go out drinking with Brian, he gets awfully stabby after his third mojito.” No no, I mean that quite normal people can get different kinds of 'drunk'. Sometimes they get funny, sometimes they get rude, sometimes they get violent and sometimes they get naked and pretend they are a clown. It happens. Lets examine some of the more common kinds of drunk people get.
Hungry Drunk
This, I will admit, is what I was last night. I don't know why, but sometimes when the beers are rushing through your veins all you can think of doing is eating your body weight in whatever food you can get your hands on. It is when you are feeling Hungry Drunk that a visit to the kebab van takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of just grabbing a box of chips, a burger or (if you are feeling incredibly brave\drunk) a kebab, you just take a long look in your wallet and buy as much food as you can afford. You then get home and make a bacon sandwich, have a bowl of cereal and take the first thing you see in the fridge to bed with you as a late snack.
Lewd Drunk
There is always one, and they are almost always male. Stick a few gins down his neck and all of a sudden the upper male brain shuts down and the lower male brain takes over. In the Lewd Drunk's head, he may believe that he is cooing out words of woo that would make Hugh Hefner look like a gawky kid at their first spin-the-bottle party. However, in actuality all he is doing is asking girls to get their boobs out and running up a pretty long list of things that will just add to the next morning's hangover pain. This never stops the Lewd Drunk, though, as in their mind the only thing women like more than being objectified is being drooled over! Score!
Sick Drunk
More often than not, the Sick Drunk will start the night off saying things like 'Oh, I don't really drink much' or 'I suppose I'll just have a bottle of beer, I guess'. At about the halfway point, when the regular drinkers who know how to handle their hooch are either starting to just maintain a buzz or dive into the deep end of Black Out Cove, the Sick Drunk is usually already far drunker than they ever have been. By the end of the night, when others are busy making sloppy passes at the opposite sex or twitching violently on the dance floor, the Sick Drunk is usually in the bathroom removing the entire night's alcohol from their system in one foul swoop. They will then continue to do this all the way home, all through the night and, if you are really lucky, throughout the next morning. Oh, and they also create an awful lot of drama.
Gay Drunk
We all have those friends. What better way is it to appeal to the opposite sex than, when the drinks have duly been pounded, to get a little up close and personal with your same sex buddies? It is a plan that can never fail! With guys, they often get awfully up close and personal with their same-sex friends in order to make sure that all the womenfolk in the joint know that they are secure with their sexuality, love the attention and are fun guys. With girls, is there a better way to show that they are sexy little minxes than by macking with their bestest friends? Once again, it is a plan that can NEVER fail!
Emotional Drunk
They are the one who, while the rest of your group are inside pounding the shots and working on making sure that walking in a straight line will be a significant issue for many days to come, is sat outside in the smoking area pouring their heart out. Maybe they have just been dumped, maybe the person they are 'totally in love with' has just shot them down or maybe they are just frustrated with something that is trivial the rest of the year, but at that exact moment in time is the greatest drama to ever befoul a life ever. Whatever the reason, the emotional drunk will spend most of the evening out gushing about their massive problems to anyone willing to listen before promptly not giving two shits as soon as they sober up. Emotional Drunks are also usually found in pairs with an Enabling Drunk, who will convince them that they are right and their lives are so drama filled that someone could easily make an Oscar winning film about it. Or partnered with a Predator Drunk who is hoping to take advantage.
Honourable Mentions: Enabling Drunk, Loud Drunk, Fight Your Friends Drunk, Predator Drunk, Naked Drunk
When I got drunk last night, I started theorising about the different kinds of drunk there are. I don't mean stuff like “It's fun to go out drinking with Steve, he is a really great guy when he is hammered” or “Never, ever go out drinking with Brian, he gets awfully stabby after his third mojito.” No no, I mean that quite normal people can get different kinds of 'drunk'. Sometimes they get funny, sometimes they get rude, sometimes they get violent and sometimes they get naked and pretend they are a clown. It happens. Lets examine some of the more common kinds of drunk people get.
Hungry Drunk
This, I will admit, is what I was last night. I don't know why, but sometimes when the beers are rushing through your veins all you can think of doing is eating your body weight in whatever food you can get your hands on. It is when you are feeling Hungry Drunk that a visit to the kebab van takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of just grabbing a box of chips, a burger or (if you are feeling incredibly brave\drunk) a kebab, you just take a long look in your wallet and buy as much food as you can afford. You then get home and make a bacon sandwich, have a bowl of cereal and take the first thing you see in the fridge to bed with you as a late snack.
Lewd Drunk
There is always one, and they are almost always male. Stick a few gins down his neck and all of a sudden the upper male brain shuts down and the lower male brain takes over. In the Lewd Drunk's head, he may believe that he is cooing out words of woo that would make Hugh Hefner look like a gawky kid at their first spin-the-bottle party. However, in actuality all he is doing is asking girls to get their boobs out and running up a pretty long list of things that will just add to the next morning's hangover pain. This never stops the Lewd Drunk, though, as in their mind the only thing women like more than being objectified is being drooled over! Score!
Sick Drunk
More often than not, the Sick Drunk will start the night off saying things like 'Oh, I don't really drink much' or 'I suppose I'll just have a bottle of beer, I guess'. At about the halfway point, when the regular drinkers who know how to handle their hooch are either starting to just maintain a buzz or dive into the deep end of Black Out Cove, the Sick Drunk is usually already far drunker than they ever have been. By the end of the night, when others are busy making sloppy passes at the opposite sex or twitching violently on the dance floor, the Sick Drunk is usually in the bathroom removing the entire night's alcohol from their system in one foul swoop. They will then continue to do this all the way home, all through the night and, if you are really lucky, throughout the next morning. Oh, and they also create an awful lot of drama.
Gay Drunk
We all have those friends. What better way is it to appeal to the opposite sex than, when the drinks have duly been pounded, to get a little up close and personal with your same sex buddies? It is a plan that can never fail! With guys, they often get awfully up close and personal with their same-sex friends in order to make sure that all the womenfolk in the joint know that they are secure with their sexuality, love the attention and are fun guys. With girls, is there a better way to show that they are sexy little minxes than by macking with their bestest friends? Once again, it is a plan that can NEVER fail!
Emotional Drunk
They are the one who, while the rest of your group are inside pounding the shots and working on making sure that walking in a straight line will be a significant issue for many days to come, is sat outside in the smoking area pouring their heart out. Maybe they have just been dumped, maybe the person they are 'totally in love with' has just shot them down or maybe they are just frustrated with something that is trivial the rest of the year, but at that exact moment in time is the greatest drama to ever befoul a life ever. Whatever the reason, the emotional drunk will spend most of the evening out gushing about their massive problems to anyone willing to listen before promptly not giving two shits as soon as they sober up. Emotional Drunks are also usually found in pairs with an Enabling Drunk, who will convince them that they are right and their lives are so drama filled that someone could easily make an Oscar winning film about it. Or partnered with a Predator Drunk who is hoping to take advantage.
Honourable Mentions: Enabling Drunk, Loud Drunk, Fight Your Friends Drunk, Predator Drunk, Naked Drunk
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Introducing: The Black Stuff
Once more no OC for you guys as I've been just ridiculously busy recently getting some new projects off the ground. One of them is my new F1 blog, www.TheBlackStuff.co.uk
Go There.....now... GO!
Go There.....now... GO!
Monday, 1 March 2010
Introducing: Red Top News
No formal update for Sunday (Well, I say Sunday... I mean Monday, as I had a gig in Bournemouth last night. I can exclusively reveal that the M3 is the dullest motorway in history, although I digress...)
Instead, I am here to show you all a brand new blog - Red Top News. Satire, Scandal, News and Sports all in one place. Check it out, you won't regret it. I promise. Pinky swear...
Instead, I am here to show you all a brand new blog - Red Top News. Satire, Scandal, News and Sports all in one place. Check it out, you won't regret it. I promise. Pinky swear...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
