Five Different Kinds of Drunk

This might be surprising to some people, but I got drunk last night. And while I was in this drunken state, I started coming up with theories. It is something I often do, as my mind is usually more productive when it has umpteen pints of beer in it. Although, last night it was closer to umpteen measures of whiskey in it. Anyway, I digress...

When I got drunk last night, I started theorising about the different kinds of drunk there are. I don't mean stuff like “It's fun to go out drinking with Steve, he is a really great guy when he is hammered” or “Never, ever go out drinking with Brian, he gets awfully stabby after his third mojito.” No no, I mean that quite normal people can get different kinds of 'drunk'. Sometimes they get funny, sometimes they get rude, sometimes they get violent and sometimes they get naked and pretend they are a clown. It happens. Lets examine some of the more common kinds of drunk people get.

Hungry Drunk

This, I will admit, is what I was last night. I don't know why, but sometimes when the beers are rushing through your veins all you can think of doing is eating your body weight in whatever food you can get your hands on. It is when you are feeling Hungry Drunk that a visit to the kebab van takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of just grabbing a box of chips, a burger or (if you are feeling incredibly brave\drunk) a kebab, you just take a long look in your wallet and buy as much food as you can afford. You then get home and make a bacon sandwich, have a bowl of cereal and take the first thing you see in the fridge to bed with you as a late snack.

Lewd Drunk

There is always one, and they are almost always male. Stick a few gins down his neck and all of a sudden the upper male brain shuts down and the lower male brain takes over. In the Lewd Drunk's head, he may believe that he is cooing out words of woo that would make Hugh Hefner look like a gawky kid at their first spin-the-bottle party. However, in actuality all he is doing is asking girls to get their boobs out and running up a pretty long list of things that will just add to the next morning's hangover pain. This never stops the Lewd Drunk, though, as in their mind the only thing women like more than being objectified is being drooled over! Score!

Sick Drunk

More often than not, the Sick Drunk will start the night off saying things like 'Oh, I don't really drink much' or 'I suppose I'll just have a bottle of beer, I guess'. At about the halfway point, when the regular drinkers who know how to handle their hooch are either starting to just maintain a buzz or dive into the deep end of Black Out Cove, the Sick Drunk is usually already far drunker than they ever have been. By the end of the night, when others are busy making sloppy passes at the opposite sex or twitching violently on the dance floor, the Sick Drunk is usually in the bathroom removing the entire night's alcohol from their system in one foul swoop. They will then continue to do this all the way home, all through the night and, if you are really lucky, throughout the next morning. Oh, and they also create an awful lot of drama.

Gay Drunk

We all have those friends. What better way is it to appeal to the opposite sex than, when the drinks have duly been pounded, to get a little up close and personal with your same sex buddies? It is a plan that can never fail! With guys, they often get awfully up close and personal with their same-sex friends in order to make sure that all the womenfolk in the joint know that they are secure with their sexuality, love the attention and are fun guys. With girls, is there a better way to show that they are sexy little minxes than by macking with their bestest friends? Once again, it is a plan that can NEVER fail!

Emotional Drunk

They are the one who, while the rest of your group are inside pounding the shots and working on making sure that walking in a straight line will be a significant issue for many days to come, is sat outside in the smoking area pouring their heart out. Maybe they have just been dumped, maybe the person they are 'totally in love with' has just shot them down or maybe they are just frustrated with something that is trivial the rest of the year, but at that exact moment in time is the greatest drama to ever befoul a life ever. Whatever the reason, the emotional drunk will spend most of the evening out gushing about their massive problems to anyone willing to listen before promptly not giving two shits as soon as they sober up. Emotional Drunks are also usually found in pairs with an Enabling Drunk, who will convince them that they are right and their lives are so drama filled that someone could easily make an Oscar winning film about it. Or partnered with a Predator Drunk who is hoping to take advantage.

Honourable Mentions: Enabling Drunk, Loud Drunk, Fight Your Friends Drunk, Predator Drunk, Naked Drunk