All weekend I'm going to be covering the opening Formula One Grand Prix of the season live at my F1 blog The Black Stuff. This is a hugely daunting task.
I've never really done the whole live sports coverage thing before. I've done more analysis than I can shake a stick at, and taken part in umpteen of these live chats with the guys over at Shutdown Corner, but never actually done one myself.
Well, still, lets see how I cope. Drop in over the weekend and check it out -I'll be live whenever the cars are on the track.
Friday, 12 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Five More Different Kinds of Drunk
Seeing as my last outing here, in which I highlighted “Five Different Kinds of Drunk”, was pretty popular (at least according to Google Analytics), I thought I'd do full explanations of the kinds of drunk who only made the honourable mentions list first time around.
I hereby present Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
Enabling Drunk
The Enabling Drunk is often found right in the heart of all the drama that surrounds a typical night on the town. Whether it is two people having a disagreement, someone being an Emotional Drunk, someone cheating or just any sort of event that is above and beyond the norm of dancing and drinking heavily, you can guarantee that the Enabling Drunk will be smack bam in the middle. They will spur on Emotional Drunks, telling them that their problems are the greatest to ever befoul such a kind soul. They will needlessly stir the pot when two Fight Your Friend Drunks get to each others throats and they will blow any sort of kissing between two people not in a long term relationship completely out of proportion. Enabling Drunks are also the most likely to cry at doormen.
Loud Drunk
There is something about the Loud Drunk that means that with each and every drink that they pour down their beck, their voice creeps ever louder. It will begin with them just talking a tiny bit louder than everyone else. Then they will start talking over everyone else. Then they just don't stop talking. By the end of the night, if anyone is brave enough to be near the Loud Drunk then they must either already be deaf or be wearing earplugs. The Loud Drunk does have their advantages, though, as they are quite often used to order drinks successfully over a noisy bar.
Fight Your Friends Drunk
“Oi you! Yeah, you! You who has been my best mate for at leas five years? What the fuck are you looking at? Did you say something about me? Did you make a pass at my girlfriend? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your fucking face! Come on then! I'll have ya! Oh my god I'm so sorry dude! I never meant to act like that! You're my best friend, I love you man. I'm so sorry. What do you mean you don't accept my apology? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your stupid fucking face!”
Predator Drunk
Predator Drunks are the kinds of drunks who are usually found creeping around the outsides of a nightspot. You will rarely see a Predator Drunk venture into the middle of the dance floor to pick up their victims. Instead you will find them acting far more cunningly, stalking the outside areas looking for vulnerable Emotional Drunks or messy Drunk Drunks. Generally, there are two types of Predator Drunks. Male Predator Drunks will look for women who are either looking in a bit of emotional distress or just Drunk Drunk in order to act the knight in shining armour and swoop in for easy prey. Female Predator Drunks, though, will generally seek out intoxicated below-normal attractive men and make them buy them drinks by flaunting their lady bits. It goes without saying, of course, that Female Predator Drunks will never, ever let anyone actually touch their lady bits, they just want the drinks.
Naked Drunk
Alcohol does things to some people. Sometimes it is a freak, one off occurrence. Sometimes it happens with a disturbing amount of regularity. Whatever the frequency, the end result is always the same – alcohol makes some people get naked. I'm not talking about an 'Alcohol Makes You Sleep With People' thing here, oh no. I mean that get some people drunk and they feel the need to get naked in public. When the Naked Drunk hits that stage, their clothes become an uncomfortable nuisance and all they can think of is being naked and free like a German tourist. Sometimes a guy will take his top off and swirl his shirt around his head. Sometimes a girl will get her boobs out in order to elicit a cheer from a bunch of horny guys. Skinny dipping is usually involved somewhere down the line too, assuming a large enough body of water can be found. The exact situation matters not, though. All that matters is the point that Naked Drunks like to get naked.
I hereby present Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
Enabling Drunk
The Enabling Drunk is often found right in the heart of all the drama that surrounds a typical night on the town. Whether it is two people having a disagreement, someone being an Emotional Drunk, someone cheating or just any sort of event that is above and beyond the norm of dancing and drinking heavily, you can guarantee that the Enabling Drunk will be smack bam in the middle. They will spur on Emotional Drunks, telling them that their problems are the greatest to ever befoul such a kind soul. They will needlessly stir the pot when two Fight Your Friend Drunks get to each others throats and they will blow any sort of kissing between two people not in a long term relationship completely out of proportion. Enabling Drunks are also the most likely to cry at doormen.
Loud Drunk
There is something about the Loud Drunk that means that with each and every drink that they pour down their beck, their voice creeps ever louder. It will begin with them just talking a tiny bit louder than everyone else. Then they will start talking over everyone else. Then they just don't stop talking. By the end of the night, if anyone is brave enough to be near the Loud Drunk then they must either already be deaf or be wearing earplugs. The Loud Drunk does have their advantages, though, as they are quite often used to order drinks successfully over a noisy bar.
Fight Your Friends Drunk
“Oi you! Yeah, you! You who has been my best mate for at leas five years? What the fuck are you looking at? Did you say something about me? Did you make a pass at my girlfriend? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your fucking face! Come on then! I'll have ya! Oh my god I'm so sorry dude! I never meant to act like that! You're my best friend, I love you man. I'm so sorry. What do you mean you don't accept my apology? I ought to punch you right in the middle of your stupid fucking face!”
Predator Drunk
Predator Drunks are the kinds of drunks who are usually found creeping around the outsides of a nightspot. You will rarely see a Predator Drunk venture into the middle of the dance floor to pick up their victims. Instead you will find them acting far more cunningly, stalking the outside areas looking for vulnerable Emotional Drunks or messy Drunk Drunks. Generally, there are two types of Predator Drunks. Male Predator Drunks will look for women who are either looking in a bit of emotional distress or just Drunk Drunk in order to act the knight in shining armour and swoop in for easy prey. Female Predator Drunks, though, will generally seek out intoxicated below-normal attractive men and make them buy them drinks by flaunting their lady bits. It goes without saying, of course, that Female Predator Drunks will never, ever let anyone actually touch their lady bits, they just want the drinks.
Naked Drunk
Alcohol does things to some people. Sometimes it is a freak, one off occurrence. Sometimes it happens with a disturbing amount of regularity. Whatever the frequency, the end result is always the same – alcohol makes some people get naked. I'm not talking about an 'Alcohol Makes You Sleep With People' thing here, oh no. I mean that get some people drunk and they feel the need to get naked in public. When the Naked Drunk hits that stage, their clothes become an uncomfortable nuisance and all they can think of is being naked and free like a German tourist. Sometimes a guy will take his top off and swirl his shirt around his head. Sometimes a girl will get her boobs out in order to elicit a cheer from a bunch of horny guys. Skinny dipping is usually involved somewhere down the line too, assuming a large enough body of water can be found. The exact situation matters not, though. All that matters is the point that Naked Drunks like to get naked.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Five Different Kinds of Drunk
This might be surprising to some people, but I got drunk last night. And while I was in this drunken state, I started coming up with theories. It is something I often do, as my mind is usually more productive when it has umpteen pints of beer in it. Although, last night it was closer to umpteen measures of whiskey in it. Anyway, I digress...
When I got drunk last night, I started theorising about the different kinds of drunk there are. I don't mean stuff like “It's fun to go out drinking with Steve, he is a really great guy when he is hammered” or “Never, ever go out drinking with Brian, he gets awfully stabby after his third mojito.” No no, I mean that quite normal people can get different kinds of 'drunk'. Sometimes they get funny, sometimes they get rude, sometimes they get violent and sometimes they get naked and pretend they are a clown. It happens. Lets examine some of the more common kinds of drunk people get.
Hungry Drunk
This, I will admit, is what I was last night. I don't know why, but sometimes when the beers are rushing through your veins all you can think of doing is eating your body weight in whatever food you can get your hands on. It is when you are feeling Hungry Drunk that a visit to the kebab van takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of just grabbing a box of chips, a burger or (if you are feeling incredibly brave\drunk) a kebab, you just take a long look in your wallet and buy as much food as you can afford. You then get home and make a bacon sandwich, have a bowl of cereal and take the first thing you see in the fridge to bed with you as a late snack.
Lewd Drunk
There is always one, and they are almost always male. Stick a few gins down his neck and all of a sudden the upper male brain shuts down and the lower male brain takes over. In the Lewd Drunk's head, he may believe that he is cooing out words of woo that would make Hugh Hefner look like a gawky kid at their first spin-the-bottle party. However, in actuality all he is doing is asking girls to get their boobs out and running up a pretty long list of things that will just add to the next morning's hangover pain. This never stops the Lewd Drunk, though, as in their mind the only thing women like more than being objectified is being drooled over! Score!
Sick Drunk
More often than not, the Sick Drunk will start the night off saying things like 'Oh, I don't really drink much' or 'I suppose I'll just have a bottle of beer, I guess'. At about the halfway point, when the regular drinkers who know how to handle their hooch are either starting to just maintain a buzz or dive into the deep end of Black Out Cove, the Sick Drunk is usually already far drunker than they ever have been. By the end of the night, when others are busy making sloppy passes at the opposite sex or twitching violently on the dance floor, the Sick Drunk is usually in the bathroom removing the entire night's alcohol from their system in one foul swoop. They will then continue to do this all the way home, all through the night and, if you are really lucky, throughout the next morning. Oh, and they also create an awful lot of drama.
Gay Drunk
We all have those friends. What better way is it to appeal to the opposite sex than, when the drinks have duly been pounded, to get a little up close and personal with your same sex buddies? It is a plan that can never fail! With guys, they often get awfully up close and personal with their same-sex friends in order to make sure that all the womenfolk in the joint know that they are secure with their sexuality, love the attention and are fun guys. With girls, is there a better way to show that they are sexy little minxes than by macking with their bestest friends? Once again, it is a plan that can NEVER fail!
Emotional Drunk
They are the one who, while the rest of your group are inside pounding the shots and working on making sure that walking in a straight line will be a significant issue for many days to come, is sat outside in the smoking area pouring their heart out. Maybe they have just been dumped, maybe the person they are 'totally in love with' has just shot them down or maybe they are just frustrated with something that is trivial the rest of the year, but at that exact moment in time is the greatest drama to ever befoul a life ever. Whatever the reason, the emotional drunk will spend most of the evening out gushing about their massive problems to anyone willing to listen before promptly not giving two shits as soon as they sober up. Emotional Drunks are also usually found in pairs with an Enabling Drunk, who will convince them that they are right and their lives are so drama filled that someone could easily make an Oscar winning film about it. Or partnered with a Predator Drunk who is hoping to take advantage.
Honourable Mentions: Enabling Drunk, Loud Drunk, Fight Your Friends Drunk, Predator Drunk, Naked Drunk
When I got drunk last night, I started theorising about the different kinds of drunk there are. I don't mean stuff like “It's fun to go out drinking with Steve, he is a really great guy when he is hammered” or “Never, ever go out drinking with Brian, he gets awfully stabby after his third mojito.” No no, I mean that quite normal people can get different kinds of 'drunk'. Sometimes they get funny, sometimes they get rude, sometimes they get violent and sometimes they get naked and pretend they are a clown. It happens. Lets examine some of the more common kinds of drunk people get.
Hungry Drunk
This, I will admit, is what I was last night. I don't know why, but sometimes when the beers are rushing through your veins all you can think of doing is eating your body weight in whatever food you can get your hands on. It is when you are feeling Hungry Drunk that a visit to the kebab van takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of just grabbing a box of chips, a burger or (if you are feeling incredibly brave\drunk) a kebab, you just take a long look in your wallet and buy as much food as you can afford. You then get home and make a bacon sandwich, have a bowl of cereal and take the first thing you see in the fridge to bed with you as a late snack.
Lewd Drunk
There is always one, and they are almost always male. Stick a few gins down his neck and all of a sudden the upper male brain shuts down and the lower male brain takes over. In the Lewd Drunk's head, he may believe that he is cooing out words of woo that would make Hugh Hefner look like a gawky kid at their first spin-the-bottle party. However, in actuality all he is doing is asking girls to get their boobs out and running up a pretty long list of things that will just add to the next morning's hangover pain. This never stops the Lewd Drunk, though, as in their mind the only thing women like more than being objectified is being drooled over! Score!
Sick Drunk
More often than not, the Sick Drunk will start the night off saying things like 'Oh, I don't really drink much' or 'I suppose I'll just have a bottle of beer, I guess'. At about the halfway point, when the regular drinkers who know how to handle their hooch are either starting to just maintain a buzz or dive into the deep end of Black Out Cove, the Sick Drunk is usually already far drunker than they ever have been. By the end of the night, when others are busy making sloppy passes at the opposite sex or twitching violently on the dance floor, the Sick Drunk is usually in the bathroom removing the entire night's alcohol from their system in one foul swoop. They will then continue to do this all the way home, all through the night and, if you are really lucky, throughout the next morning. Oh, and they also create an awful lot of drama.
Gay Drunk
We all have those friends. What better way is it to appeal to the opposite sex than, when the drinks have duly been pounded, to get a little up close and personal with your same sex buddies? It is a plan that can never fail! With guys, they often get awfully up close and personal with their same-sex friends in order to make sure that all the womenfolk in the joint know that they are secure with their sexuality, love the attention and are fun guys. With girls, is there a better way to show that they are sexy little minxes than by macking with their bestest friends? Once again, it is a plan that can NEVER fail!
Emotional Drunk
They are the one who, while the rest of your group are inside pounding the shots and working on making sure that walking in a straight line will be a significant issue for many days to come, is sat outside in the smoking area pouring their heart out. Maybe they have just been dumped, maybe the person they are 'totally in love with' has just shot them down or maybe they are just frustrated with something that is trivial the rest of the year, but at that exact moment in time is the greatest drama to ever befoul a life ever. Whatever the reason, the emotional drunk will spend most of the evening out gushing about their massive problems to anyone willing to listen before promptly not giving two shits as soon as they sober up. Emotional Drunks are also usually found in pairs with an Enabling Drunk, who will convince them that they are right and their lives are so drama filled that someone could easily make an Oscar winning film about it. Or partnered with a Predator Drunk who is hoping to take advantage.
Honourable Mentions: Enabling Drunk, Loud Drunk, Fight Your Friends Drunk, Predator Drunk, Naked Drunk
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