The Folk You FInd In Pubs

I spend an awful lot of times in pubs. Well, to be honest, I spend an awful lot of time on the floors of pubs drunk as a skunk, as that is the way I roll. Anyway, through my times in pubs I've noticed that there are always a few certain stereotypes of people. Here are some of them.

The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy

Usually, The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy spends a disproportionate amount of his time in a pub. He will generally have one favourite pub where he spends most of his time and is probably so close with the landlord\landlady that he mows their lawn. As a normal, and sober, person he is probably a great guy. Thing is, when he gets a few drinks down his neck all of a sudden he is the font of all knowledge and his barstool is his soapbox. Got an opinion on politics? Wrong. Got an opinion on sport? Wrong. Explaining how something works to someone? Wrong. Talking about a historical event? Wrong. You see where this is going? Well, if you do see where this is going then The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy would still say you were fucking wrong. Without a word of a lie, I have heard one You're Wrong I'm Right Guy walk up to two people talking and say “No, that's complete rubbish. By the way, what are you guys talking about?”

The Middle Aged Ho

Ahh, The Middle Aged Ho... is there a more beautiful thing? People seem to be of the opinion that any trace of sexual promiscuity in women just sort of stops around the age of 30. Well, that isn't really true. If you look around any pub, there will always be at least one woman in there who is well into her middle age and doing some old school sleeping around. Maybe she is a recent divorcee, maybe she has just always been single or maybe she is having an affair. Either way, if you look around any pub then there will be at least one woman who you would never, ever think of as a a sexual being sat there macking with some different guy each and every week. It happens, and it is as disturbing as it is hot. You know you'd hit it at any rate.

The Drunken Gangster

Some people, when they get drunk, start to talk a little bit of rubbish. Usually it is just a bit of exaggeration and boasting, the way that drunken people do, but every now and again a drunk dude will let slip a dark secret – he is a gangster! Oh yeah, he is a real bad ass... he totally knows a guy who killed a guy, totally knows people who sleep with shotguns by their beds and has totally been lucky himself not to do serious time. When I was a kid, a few people did say things like “Don't mess with me, my brother knows people who have killed someone” and, at the time, it was an absolutely terrifying prospect. Then, of course, we all grew up and realised that only a tiny amount of people actually know these random killers who are walking the streets and shopping in Sainsburys. Still, The Drunken Gangster is totally one of those people. The only thing, though, is that all of his hardcore, gang banging knowledge comes from films and TV. If he wants to boozily explain how to dispose of a body, he will just quote Snatch word for word. If he wants to explain how to run a scam, then it will be something like Casino. This, though, does open up one of the best opportunities in life – quote the next line of the film they are referencing. Oh, it's great fun – you have this drunken dude quoting a film like it is his own original idea, and then you quote the next line. It is the stuff that dreams are made of.

The Eternal Mother

Lets face it, pubs, bars and clubs are all places in which people generally make a tit of themselves. They will either flame out with someone they want to bang, get drunk and fall down or fight. It is just the way it is, accept it. The Eternal Mother knows this, and will always be there to clear up the wounds. Need some reassurance? Well, then The Eternal Mother will be there to give you a hug and a pep talk. Two big guys about to kick seven shades of shit out of one another? Well, The Eternal Mother will bravely step into the middle of the battle and scald them both with a mother's tone in order to regain some order. Drunk? Then The Eternal Mother will sit you down in a corner with a big glass of water and make sure you know you're making a tit of yourself. Indeed, The Eternal Mother is like a guardian angel, hovering over all those within the pub world and taking care of everyone under her charge. For the love of god, buy your pub's Eternal Mother a drink tomorrow!

I think there is something wrong with the sky...

Right, I don't want to alarm anyone but I think something is wrong with the sky. Over the last few days, I've noticed something a little bit... well, a little bit disturbing. This big yellow thing is in it, and it's gotten really hot. I think, and I admit this is only a working theory, but still.... I think that the sky might well be on fire.

We all know what the sky is like usually, right? It's grey, miserable and covered in cloud, throwing down rain and snow whenever it chooses. It is a right old miserable bastard that sulks and makes it its own business to ruin everyone else's life. You have something planned that is going to take place outside? Well screw you, it's going to rain. Need to get home from work early? Well, fuck you it's going to snow out of season. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what the sky is usually all about.

Recently, though, I've noticed a change. The usual fluffy grey stuff that is all above us have moved away and instead it's this really pretty nice blue colour. What is even weirder is that I can go outside  in shorts and a t-shirt and not be cold. And you know why? It's that giant fireball in the sky. That thing that looks like a flaming tennis ball smashed up in the sky, acting the cigarette burn on top of the baby blue surroundings. It is making everything all hot and nice, forcing people to stop being grumpy and start enjoying themselves.

Where it gets even weirder is the night. Instead of the sky just being this great big black expanse broken up intermittently with the glow from the closest urban jungle, there are stars and the moon. It really is all very pretty.

But, the sky isn't meant to be pretty, or nice, or warm. It is meant to be this cold, uncaring miserable thing that gives us grounds to make small talk with each other; a common enemy to hate on. All this nice weather stuff is weird. I mean, sure – it is nice to be able to go outside and enjoy a good old fashioned beer garden, but that isn't what weather is meant to be.

At the end of the day, the weather is meant to be annoying and ruin our lives, not nice. Therefore, the big fireball in the sky must be put out. I therefore make a plea to each and every one of you:

When you next see the sun, I want you to grab your garden hose and spray it as high into the air as you can. I want you to spray the sky with all the water you can find while screaming “Damn you fireball of doom, get back to the Southern Hemisphere where you belong! This is Walford, not bloody Ramsey Street!”

It's the only thing that can return us to normality...