I think there is something wrong with the sky...

Right, I don't want to alarm anyone but I think something is wrong with the sky. Over the last few days, I've noticed something a little bit... well, a little bit disturbing. This big yellow thing is in it, and it's gotten really hot. I think, and I admit this is only a working theory, but still.... I think that the sky might well be on fire.

We all know what the sky is like usually, right? It's grey, miserable and covered in cloud, throwing down rain and snow whenever it chooses. It is a right old miserable bastard that sulks and makes it its own business to ruin everyone else's life. You have something planned that is going to take place outside? Well screw you, it's going to rain. Need to get home from work early? Well, fuck you it's going to snow out of season. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what the sky is usually all about.

Recently, though, I've noticed a change. The usual fluffy grey stuff that is all above us have moved away and instead it's this really pretty nice blue colour. What is even weirder is that I can go outside  in shorts and a t-shirt and not be cold. And you know why? It's that giant fireball in the sky. That thing that looks like a flaming tennis ball smashed up in the sky, acting the cigarette burn on top of the baby blue surroundings. It is making everything all hot and nice, forcing people to stop being grumpy and start enjoying themselves.

Where it gets even weirder is the night. Instead of the sky just being this great big black expanse broken up intermittently with the glow from the closest urban jungle, there are stars and the moon. It really is all very pretty.

But, the sky isn't meant to be pretty, or nice, or warm. It is meant to be this cold, uncaring miserable thing that gives us grounds to make small talk with each other; a common enemy to hate on. All this nice weather stuff is weird. I mean, sure – it is nice to be able to go outside and enjoy a good old fashioned beer garden, but that isn't what weather is meant to be.

At the end of the day, the weather is meant to be annoying and ruin our lives, not nice. Therefore, the big fireball in the sky must be put out. I therefore make a plea to each and every one of you:

When you next see the sun, I want you to grab your garden hose and spray it as high into the air as you can. I want you to spray the sky with all the water you can find while screaming “Damn you fireball of doom, get back to the Southern Hemisphere where you belong! This is Walford, not bloody Ramsey Street!”

It's the only thing that can return us to normality...