- Every Russian athlete is hot. Especially the curling team. Seriously. Wow.
- The speed skaters' thighs defy logic, physics and possibly the laws of God
- If the Winter Olympics is just full of sports that involve sliding, why aren't water slides and those long sheets of plastic that you laid on the lawn as a kid, squirted with washing up liquid and a hose and slid down that broke at least one kids collar bone each summer proper Olympic sports?
- Have I mentioned the speed skaters' thighs?
- Why invite some of the Ice Hockey nations when it is just obvious that they are there to be mocked?
- Since when did it become a part of the Communist party plan to make gymnasts turn into snowboarders? Is it like some form of punishment? "Oh fuck you, you fell of the bars, we are going to strap you to a baking tray and shove you down a steep mountain!"
- I feel morally superior to Shaun White. He may be infinately more talented than me, but I have better hair.
- I want to bobsleigh. Not in the Olympics, just in my day to day life. Also, I want to bobsleigh drunk.
- Curling is slightly erotic. All that sliding about on the ice and grunting. Think about it.
- Figure skating is the best sport ever invented. I couldn't do that shit standing on firm ground, let along skating around on one leg. Also, Brett Favre may be renowned for throwing a football hard but I doubt even he could get a spiral on a fucking person.
- Why don't speed skaters use their blades more constructively? I mean the big juicey acheles tendons of their rivals are there for the stomping
- Double Luge is the most homo-erotic sport ever. Seriously, it's just full of men in lycra laying on top of each other grunting.
- Finally, who in their right mind thinks 'I want to be an Olympian. I know, I'll lay on a baking tray on my front and slide down a mountain at 140kph! GENIUS!'
Friday, 19 February 2010
Things I've Noticed About The Winter Olympics
As anyone following my Twitter feed will know, I've become obsessed with the Winter Olympics. Here are some of my thoughts:
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Are Video Games Art?
First things first, in the interests of fairness yes I am a bit of a geek. Moving swiftly on...
Recently I've been trying not to go out and get blind drunk quite as often as I used to. A bit of it is because the novelty of waking up with a hang over has worn off, a bit of it is financially induced and a bit of it is I tend to be far more productive when I'm not shouting battle cries such as 'Lets go to the funfair! DRUNK DODGE'EMS!'
As a result of that, I've been playing a lot more video games recently. I've always loved them since I was about 6 and broke my leg. As I was housebound all throughout a summer holiday when no doubt my parents were quite looking forward to me going out and adventuring, they bought me a Sega Mega Drive to keep me subdued. Since then, I've been hooked.
In the last few months, I've successfully completed Mass Effect 1 & 2 (well, I completed ME1 years ago but re-played it in anticipation), Assassin's Creed 2 and Kane & Lynch amongst a bevy of others. I've also bought a PlayStation 3 to play through Metal Gear Solid 4 and the impending Heavy Rain.
Playing all these story heavy, well directed and cut scene orientated games has gotten me a-thinking. Are video games a sort of art?
When most people think of trad 'art', they think of paintings, photos, books, movies and music. Video games are still considered much as they were in the 1980's – a form of entertainment and nothing more. But that was in the days of side scrolling games, chip music and cartoon superheroes like Mario and Sonic.
Of course there are video games produced even today which could never ever be considered art – no matter which way you slice it, Crank & Ratchet and Madden 10 are not on a par with The Avatar and The Hurt Locker.
However, there are a new generation of games which could easily be considered art. The latest Metal Gear Solid game with it's 90 minute cinema quality cut scenes, Heavy Rain with it's focus so much on story that it is being marketed as an Alternative Reality Game and Assassin's Creed 2 with it's hugely detailed virtual cities are all hallmarks of blockbuster movies. The character development and relationships chronicled over the Mass Effect series are the same as in any big screen sci-fi epic. The soundtracks are, if anything, even more epic than in movies.
Although not a completely canon point, David Hayter (who voices Snake in the MGS franchise) is even an accomplished script writer.
With the ever increasing cut scene direction, voice acting skill and immersive universes, should modern day video games be considered more art than entertainment?
Well – yes, frankly, they should be. Obviously art in it's purest form will always be hung in a gallery or be hailed at the Oscars, but I really believe that video games these days should be placed on a par with at least movies, books and television. Compared to 'Modern Art' I'd say video games are far superior.
The biggest test, though, will be getting the 'establishment' to accept video games as a genuine medium. I doubt in my lifetime there will be an Oscar handed out for the best video game, judged on scripting, design and cut scenes, nor a serious recognition for the music. But you have to admit – compare MGS4 with half a shark in a tank of formaldehyde or an unmade bed and you tell me which is more artistic?
Recently I've been trying not to go out and get blind drunk quite as often as I used to. A bit of it is because the novelty of waking up with a hang over has worn off, a bit of it is financially induced and a bit of it is I tend to be far more productive when I'm not shouting battle cries such as 'Lets go to the funfair! DRUNK DODGE'EMS!'
As a result of that, I've been playing a lot more video games recently. I've always loved them since I was about 6 and broke my leg. As I was housebound all throughout a summer holiday when no doubt my parents were quite looking forward to me going out and adventuring, they bought me a Sega Mega Drive to keep me subdued. Since then, I've been hooked.
In the last few months, I've successfully completed Mass Effect 1 & 2 (well, I completed ME1 years ago but re-played it in anticipation), Assassin's Creed 2 and Kane & Lynch amongst a bevy of others. I've also bought a PlayStation 3 to play through Metal Gear Solid 4 and the impending Heavy Rain.
Playing all these story heavy, well directed and cut scene orientated games has gotten me a-thinking. Are video games a sort of art?
Coming soon to an art gallery near you, this piece is titled 'Wohoo! A Gold Star!'
When most people think of trad 'art', they think of paintings, photos, books, movies and music. Video games are still considered much as they were in the 1980's – a form of entertainment and nothing more. But that was in the days of side scrolling games, chip music and cartoon superheroes like Mario and Sonic.
Of course there are video games produced even today which could never ever be considered art – no matter which way you slice it, Crank & Ratchet and Madden 10 are not on a par with The Avatar and The Hurt Locker.
However, there are a new generation of games which could easily be considered art. The latest Metal Gear Solid game with it's 90 minute cinema quality cut scenes, Heavy Rain with it's focus so much on story that it is being marketed as an Alternative Reality Game and Assassin's Creed 2 with it's hugely detailed virtual cities are all hallmarks of blockbuster movies. The character development and relationships chronicled over the Mass Effect series are the same as in any big screen sci-fi epic. The soundtracks are, if anything, even more epic than in movies.
Although not a completely canon point, David Hayter (who voices Snake in the MGS franchise) is even an accomplished script writer.
With the ever increasing cut scene direction, voice acting skill and immersive universes, should modern day video games be considered more art than entertainment?
Well – yes, frankly, they should be. Obviously art in it's purest form will always be hung in a gallery or be hailed at the Oscars, but I really believe that video games these days should be placed on a par with at least movies, books and television. Compared to 'Modern Art' I'd say video games are far superior.
The biggest test, though, will be getting the 'establishment' to accept video games as a genuine medium. I doubt in my lifetime there will be an Oscar handed out for the best video game, judged on scripting, design and cut scenes, nor a serious recognition for the music. But you have to admit – compare MGS4 with half a shark in a tank of formaldehyde or an unmade bed and you tell me which is more artistic?
Monday, 15 February 2010
NASCAR Daytona 500 Hour by Hour
As I sometimes do, I recorded my thoughts throughout an event. Here are my thoughts on the Daytona 500...
17:58 – I do love the over the top intro videos that you get on big sporting events.
18:02 – I love the whole patriotism thing you get before the flag as well. You don't get that over here, sadly.
18:05 – I love how in F1, a great race has a lead change on the track. In NASCAR, a great race is a 'Crashfest'.
18:08 – Obligatory Danica Patrick mention #1
18:16 – Only in America do you get commentators plugging beer on air during a race.
18:21 – Boogity Boogity Boogity! Let's go racing!
18:29 – That wasn't long before the first crash, was it?
18:39 – How Juan Pablo Montoya hasn't just spun everyone else out yet is beyond me.
18:46 – I blinked and missed it – what happened to Mark Martin? He was in the lead last I saw...
18:47 – Oh yeah, caution pit stops. I knew that, don't any of you say that I didn't.
18:56 – This is where NASCAR does get a little dull, when nobody is crashing and it's all single file. I mean, I know that is F1 all the time but at least in that you get more interesting circuits.
19:11 – Crash, damn you. 50 laps with one caution is just not good enough. CRASH!!
19:13 – My laptop is running like mud recently. Methinks a spring cleaning is in order tomorrow.
19:22 – Mass pitstops!! Is there a more beautiful sight?
19:29 – Yes – the whole field running close at top speed. Freaking awesome!
19:57 – Why do US sports analysts always tell UK audiences that the race\game\etc. is like some chess match on speed?
20:03 – Oh Dale Jr. “It's fun being that lose, but I don't think it's going to be very productive”
20:10 – CRASH! All I want is one 10 car pile up, is that too much to ask?
20:15 – Popping Tyres. When will people learn drugs and racing don't mix.
20:43 – I go for dinner and find everyone stopped in pit road! WHAT HAPPENED!?
20:45 – The track broke. How the hell does a track break...
20:50 – I love Dale Earnheart Jr. Wise cracks and baseball trivia in race, that is the way to roll.
20:56 – Seriously, how does a track break? I've heard of relaying tarmac overnight but an in race repair? Yikes...
21:28 – Yawn. The guys are now talking about who should QB the Eagles next year. RACE AND CRASH DAMN YOU!
21:43 – Don't get me wrong, I like hearing from all the drivers, but dear lord is it boring. Still, I'm a man and as a man shall see this through to the end.
21:55 – They are getting back in their cars! Woop! I don't care if it will still be 20 minutes or so till the green flag goes, they are getting ready!
22:10 – WE ARE RACING! Fucking finally...
22:20 – Pack racing at 190mph. This is what we want, why not start this race at night if this is the result?
22:26 – I would love to spin a NASCAR car like Allmenginger just did. Looks kick ass fun.
22:41 – So the racing gets good, and the track breaks again. Nice one, NASCAR, way to look competent.
22:44 – Wohoo! Another hole!
22:47 – If they call NASCAR's flagship race because of an asphalt problem on a NASCAR owned track, then they deserve all the stick they get. This is absolutely bleeding ridiculous. Seriously, you would never get the Super Bowl match called off over the pitch, the Monaco GP over a track problem, the World Series over a pitchers mound or the Stanley Cup over an ice problem. Why can't NASCAR get their track sorted for THEIR flagship event?
22:58 – Dear NASCAR Drivers – Yes, I wish that they would just race around it too.
23:18 – RACE DAMN YOU! I WANT TO GO TO BED!
23:23 – Juan Pablo Montoya? More like Juan Porky Montoya AMIRYTE!?
23:26 – That's a good point – why does everyone harp on about Schumacher racing at 41 when Mark Martin does it at 51? I know F1 is very different to NASCAR, but still...
23:28 – The Sky Sports studio guys nearly just kicked seven bells out of each other. Proper Oprah\Brees awkward.
23:42 – Come on, race already! It's been nearly six hours of my life I have dedicated to this! Oh, and crash too. Kthxbai.
23:57 – I've always liked Scott Speed, so here is hoping there is a caution.
00:05 – You get the feeling that this is going to end in one big crash as everyone goes for broke. Or at least, I hope thats what happens.
00:16 – Here we go – shootout time. Can. Not. Wait.
00:22 – Right, let's try that again.
00:25 – So glad I didn't back Khane. Nearly did, though...
00:35 – Well after 6+ hours, well done Jamie McMurray. SLEEEEEEP.
17:58 – I do love the over the top intro videos that you get on big sporting events.
18:02 – I love the whole patriotism thing you get before the flag as well. You don't get that over here, sadly.
18:05 – I love how in F1, a great race has a lead change on the track. In NASCAR, a great race is a 'Crashfest'.
18:08 – Obligatory Danica Patrick mention #1
18:16 – Only in America do you get commentators plugging beer on air during a race.
18:21 – Boogity Boogity Boogity! Let's go racing!
18:29 – That wasn't long before the first crash, was it?
18:39 – How Juan Pablo Montoya hasn't just spun everyone else out yet is beyond me.
18:46 – I blinked and missed it – what happened to Mark Martin? He was in the lead last I saw...
18:47 – Oh yeah, caution pit stops. I knew that, don't any of you say that I didn't.
18:56 – This is where NASCAR does get a little dull, when nobody is crashing and it's all single file. I mean, I know that is F1 all the time but at least in that you get more interesting circuits.
19:11 – Crash, damn you. 50 laps with one caution is just not good enough. CRASH!!
19:13 – My laptop is running like mud recently. Methinks a spring cleaning is in order tomorrow.
19:22 – Mass pitstops!! Is there a more beautiful sight?
19:29 – Yes – the whole field running close at top speed. Freaking awesome!
19:57 – Why do US sports analysts always tell UK audiences that the race\game\etc. is like some chess match on speed?
20:03 – Oh Dale Jr. “It's fun being that lose, but I don't think it's going to be very productive”
20:10 – CRASH! All I want is one 10 car pile up, is that too much to ask?
20:15 – Popping Tyres. When will people learn drugs and racing don't mix.
20:43 – I go for dinner and find everyone stopped in pit road! WHAT HAPPENED!?
20:45 – The track broke. How the hell does a track break...
20:50 – I love Dale Earnheart Jr. Wise cracks and baseball trivia in race, that is the way to roll.
20:56 – Seriously, how does a track break? I've heard of relaying tarmac overnight but an in race repair? Yikes...
21:28 – Yawn. The guys are now talking about who should QB the Eagles next year. RACE AND CRASH DAMN YOU!
21:43 – Don't get me wrong, I like hearing from all the drivers, but dear lord is it boring. Still, I'm a man and as a man shall see this through to the end.
21:55 – They are getting back in their cars! Woop! I don't care if it will still be 20 minutes or so till the green flag goes, they are getting ready!
22:10 – WE ARE RACING! Fucking finally...
22:20 – Pack racing at 190mph. This is what we want, why not start this race at night if this is the result?
22:26 – I would love to spin a NASCAR car like Allmenginger just did. Looks kick ass fun.
22:41 – So the racing gets good, and the track breaks again. Nice one, NASCAR, way to look competent.
22:44 – Wohoo! Another hole!
22:47 – If they call NASCAR's flagship race because of an asphalt problem on a NASCAR owned track, then they deserve all the stick they get. This is absolutely bleeding ridiculous. Seriously, you would never get the Super Bowl match called off over the pitch, the Monaco GP over a track problem, the World Series over a pitchers mound or the Stanley Cup over an ice problem. Why can't NASCAR get their track sorted for THEIR flagship event?
22:58 – Dear NASCAR Drivers – Yes, I wish that they would just race around it too.
23:18 – RACE DAMN YOU! I WANT TO GO TO BED!
23:23 – Juan Pablo Montoya? More like Juan Porky Montoya AMIRYTE!?
23:26 – That's a good point – why does everyone harp on about Schumacher racing at 41 when Mark Martin does it at 51? I know F1 is very different to NASCAR, but still...
23:28 – The Sky Sports studio guys nearly just kicked seven bells out of each other. Proper Oprah\Brees awkward.
23:42 – Come on, race already! It's been nearly six hours of my life I have dedicated to this! Oh, and crash too. Kthxbai.
23:57 – I've always liked Scott Speed, so here is hoping there is a caution.
00:05 – You get the feeling that this is going to end in one big crash as everyone goes for broke. Or at least, I hope thats what happens.
00:16 – Here we go – shootout time. Can. Not. Wait.
00:22 – Right, let's try that again.
00:25 – So glad I didn't back Khane. Nearly did, though...
00:35 – Well after 6+ hours, well done Jamie McMurray. SLEEEEEEP.
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