The 'Why South Park Is Good For The World' Theory

Another theory today, children. This time as to why South Park is actually good for both comedy, and the world -

I want to worship Eric Cartman as some sort of deity. At the very least, I want to join any form of cult that he may be the leader of and am interested in receiving a newsletter written by him.

I came to this staggering conclusion after watching more South Park than ever. I remember when that show came out and it sort of revolutionised TV a bit. Before South Park, cartoons weren't for grown ups. I mean, The Simpsons has been around for 20 years now and people said that it was a cartoon for grown ups but it isn't really. It is just a sitcom that happens to be a cartoon. When South Park came out, it was aimed at the sorts of grown ups that didn't make sure they were in bed by 10pm to watch the news with a glass of warm milk like The Simpsons. It was aimed towards the sorts of adults who just got back from the bar drunk off their ass.

And it had a cult following amongst the cool kids. When South Park came out I was about 10. I became aware of it a few years later, when the cool kids in my class had borrowed the VHS tapes from their older brothers or caught it because they were (*gasp!*) allowed a TV in their room. Since then the series has continued to go from strength to strength, and so has my love for it.

The proof that South Park can be a cartoon aimed strictly at adults (well, college students and grown ups with cool jobs like graphic designers, web designers, musicians, etc.) also opened the door for people like Seth McFarlane and his troup of shows (American Dad, Family Guy, The Cleveland Show), Seth Green (Robot Chicken) and other stuff. Adult Swim would not exist without South Park.

But also, I just love the South Park philosophy on humour.

“Either everything is okay, or nothing is”

It was best summed up in the episodes where they wanted to show an image of Muhammad after the Danish cartoon which caused so much uproar. They argued that either then should be no boundries as to what they could show, or they shouldn't bother. The image was, of course, censored and of course the show carried on, but I like their theory on it. If Muslim's can demand an episode be pulled as they find it is offensive, then anyone who finds an episode offensive can have it pulled.

Same with the episode they wrote bashing Scientology. Even though it cost them Isaac Hayes as the voice of Chef, they made the completely valid point that Hayes never complained when they ripped on other religions. It is a mathematical impossibility to count the amount of anti-jew jokes that Cartman spews forth with. And Hayes had no issue with that. But when it is his beliefs, all of a sudden it isn't okay? So they let him walk.

Because of this, I worship South Park. Although, I'm wondering if I really do love the show or if I'm only writing this because I've spent all day with a South Park JTV stream on while I did other work. No, I'm sure it's my own thoughts. They must be.

*twitch*

Yes, they must be....

The Motorway Schoolroom Regression Theory

I have a theory. I have countless theories, and most of them are widely discredited before they so much as pass out of my mouth. However, I think this one is a winner. I call it the Motorway Schoolroom Regression Theory. See that, I know big words. Anyway, my theory goes like this...

I'm a bit posh, so there were only ever 3 rows of chairs in the classrooms I was in. Sometimes there were even less, and in one of my A level classes there were only 3 people. Anyway, I digress already. Lets assume that the average classroom has just 3 rows of chairs. Motorways also mostly only have 3 lanes, and I think that the lane people drive in directly correlates with where they sat in school.

We all know the sort of people who sat in the front, middle and back rows. The front row sitters were the kids who we all either gave a hard time to in school, or at least didn't exactly protest when people gave them a hard time. They were the really smart kids, who at the time we gave a bit of stick to but, frankly, with the glory that is hindsight, we now wish we worked as hard as. The middle row people were the sorts of people who were, if you will excuse the absolutely horrendous pun, very middle of the road. Average students, average people and just average. They didn't want to sit up front as they would be bullied by the back row kids, but were too afraid of the back row to sit there. So they just sat in the middle.

And, as we all know, back row kids were the sorts who sharpened up their Stanley knives and spat a lot before going down the alley at break time to smoke and chat to their mate who was about 10 years older but had nothing better to do than park up his pimped out Corsa or Punto and hang around with school boys.

And as anyone who has ever dared venture onto a motorway knows, the three lanes all have their own type of driver. The inside lane is for slow people and lorries, the middle lane is for people who are just as slow as the inside lane but are too self concious to sit there and the fast lane is for twats in German cars with an over inflated sense of self importance.

If you can't see the correlation already, then I wonder how you can get out of bed without falling down.

The classroom front row sitters are the sorts who drive on the inside lane, either through needing to be there to work or not having the testosterone needed to venture forth. The middle of the roaders sit in the middle lane because, much like their school days, they are too self concious to sit in the inside lane. And the outside lane is full of the sorts of folk who gave up literal stabbing for a back stabbing boys club business mentality. They are probably estate agents or salesman, or another profession that cocks like to take up that doesn't require too much brain power.

There are of course exceptions, like any rule. Like the kids who sat up front, but grew up to be bankers and therefore developed an immediate twatishness about them and sit in the fast lane in German cars. And, of course, some of the Neanderthals who sat in the back row now probably drive lorries. Or National Express coaches, which terrorise the M4 and M40 and are the only buses who I've ever seen in the fast lane. Seriously, if you ever see one get the hell off the motorway and hide.

Anyway, that is my theory. It can even be translated as to where people sat on the school bus. Try it – I bet if you ask someone in the sales department at work where they sat then they will say in the front row, and they drive in the fast lane. I also bet if you ask your IT Department, they will say screw you and break into your PC, changing the desktop wallpaper to a photoshop of the boss. Because geeks rule.

See ya'll Thursday!

Sunday is only good for one thing...

Now, the main reason that we are going with a Sunday, Tuesday & Thursday update pattern here instead of the pretty standard Monday, Wednesday & Friday is simply because I'm a huge NFL fan. The fact that Sunday is officially NFL day means that on Monday's I'm dead unto the world. So we update on Sunday's.

I'm not just an NFL fan though, I follow a few American sports such as baseball, IndyCar and NASCAR. A lot of theories have arisen as to why this is. Now, I know why I follow all these sports I have no right following. It goes back to the good old days where I used to work behind bars. Not in prison, you understand, but as in bar tending. When you ritually get home from work at 2am, there isn't a whole lot on the tellybox aside from dodgy re-runs and American sport. And at the end of the day, live sport is live sport and man code dictates it is what must be watched. JD and his ethnically sensitive doctor friends just aren't as much fun at 2am. Although, weirdly, South Park is even funnier.

However, I have also been accused of being a fake American. This is, despite being a popular theory, one I really do protest. I am proudly British, enjoy crumpets, watch cricket, drink ale and hate on the French. But the fact that I have a habit of staying up all night watching sports that most people mock, allegedly have an American fashion sense and have a body type that estate agents would describe as 'voluptuous' seems to sway popular opinion.

This is not me, even in the slightest

I think America gets a bit of a bum rap. I mean, France sticks a McDonalds into the Louvre and they get a bit of good natured ribbing about the smile on the Mona Lisa being confirmed as her eyeing up a Big Mac. If America had stuck one in, oh I don't know, the Smithsonian or at the top of the Statue of Liberty then they would have had a horrendous bashing for being 'typical Americans'.

And what is so bad being a 'Fake American'? All it means is I like steak, beer and sports? I think it's better than people I know who, despite being as white as snow and incredibly middle class, are convinced they are from the heart of a rough London estate.

'Innit blud. I was cruising round in my old man's BMW 7 Series to pick my boy, Willoughby-Toft, before we went to hit up that sick new wine bar. It was wickid man, got chatting to this proper buff blonde girl who worked for some doctor round in Walton-On-The-Lake but I was all like 'you is only some secretary, and not a doc or nursey? What is you, dumb?' KnowwhatImsaying!?'

Sadly, that wasn't much of an exaggeration... See ya'll Tuesday!