The Motorway Schoolroom Regression Theory

I have a theory. I have countless theories, and most of them are widely discredited before they so much as pass out of my mouth. However, I think this one is a winner. I call it the Motorway Schoolroom Regression Theory. See that, I know big words. Anyway, my theory goes like this...

I'm a bit posh, so there were only ever 3 rows of chairs in the classrooms I was in. Sometimes there were even less, and in one of my A level classes there were only 3 people. Anyway, I digress already. Lets assume that the average classroom has just 3 rows of chairs. Motorways also mostly only have 3 lanes, and I think that the lane people drive in directly correlates with where they sat in school.

We all know the sort of people who sat in the front, middle and back rows. The front row sitters were the kids who we all either gave a hard time to in school, or at least didn't exactly protest when people gave them a hard time. They were the really smart kids, who at the time we gave a bit of stick to but, frankly, with the glory that is hindsight, we now wish we worked as hard as. The middle row people were the sorts of people who were, if you will excuse the absolutely horrendous pun, very middle of the road. Average students, average people and just average. They didn't want to sit up front as they would be bullied by the back row kids, but were too afraid of the back row to sit there. So they just sat in the middle.

And, as we all know, back row kids were the sorts who sharpened up their Stanley knives and spat a lot before going down the alley at break time to smoke and chat to their mate who was about 10 years older but had nothing better to do than park up his pimped out Corsa or Punto and hang around with school boys.

And as anyone who has ever dared venture onto a motorway knows, the three lanes all have their own type of driver. The inside lane is for slow people and lorries, the middle lane is for people who are just as slow as the inside lane but are too self concious to sit there and the fast lane is for twats in German cars with an over inflated sense of self importance.

If you can't see the correlation already, then I wonder how you can get out of bed without falling down.

The classroom front row sitters are the sorts who drive on the inside lane, either through needing to be there to work or not having the testosterone needed to venture forth. The middle of the roaders sit in the middle lane because, much like their school days, they are too self concious to sit in the inside lane. And the outside lane is full of the sorts of folk who gave up literal stabbing for a back stabbing boys club business mentality. They are probably estate agents or salesman, or another profession that cocks like to take up that doesn't require too much brain power.

There are of course exceptions, like any rule. Like the kids who sat up front, but grew up to be bankers and therefore developed an immediate twatishness about them and sit in the fast lane in German cars. And, of course, some of the Neanderthals who sat in the back row now probably drive lorries. Or National Express coaches, which terrorise the M4 and M40 and are the only buses who I've ever seen in the fast lane. Seriously, if you ever see one get the hell off the motorway and hide.

Anyway, that is my theory. It can even be translated as to where people sat on the school bus. Try it – I bet if you ask someone in the sales department at work where they sat then they will say in the front row, and they drive in the fast lane. I also bet if you ask your IT Department, they will say screw you and break into your PC, changing the desktop wallpaper to a photoshop of the boss. Because geeks rule.

See ya'll Thursday!