On Tuesday, we examined those random people that you see out and about at bars, clubs and the like. Today, we are looking at some more. Let's get moving, shall we?
The “No way, you grew up?! And you're hot!?” Girl
I'll play out a little scenario for you, lets see if you can relate. There you are, getting your groove on on the dance floor when all of a sudden this stunning young girl wanders up to you. She knows your name and seems pleased to see you in a shy, teasing sort of way. You immediately think that if a girl like that can wander up to you and know your name, then you should rush out and buy a lottery ticket as clearly your luck is in. Then you give her another look up and down. All of a sudden a crushing and terrifying thought pops into your brain - “OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT IS *old friend*'s LITTLE SISTER! SHE GREW UP! AND SHE IS HOT! WHAT DO I DO!?” That's right – the last time you saw this girl was at least five years ago and she was more interested in dolls and playing house and doing well at school. Now there she is in front of you wearing a skimpy skirt, high heels and a top that shows off two things she did most definately not have the last time you saw her. And she is drinking!? What do you do!? Do you just sort of smile, say hello and walk off? Is she fair game? I mean, you haven't seen *old friend* for a few years, have you? Surely he might not mind if you buy her a drink? After meeting the “No way, you grew up?! And you're hot!?” Girl, you will then spend the next several hours swaying between thinking “Oh my god the last time I saw that girl she was watching the Disney Channel” and “Look at her move on the dance floor!” Head implosion is the likely outcome here.
The “I get girls because I know a celebrity” Guy
I'm not talking about knowing a celebrity in a professional manner here. I'm not even talking about knowing a real celebrity either. The “I get girls because I know a celebrity” Guy usually knows someone who has been on reality television or flamed out spectacularly on some talent show. They may even just be a friend of a relative of someone famous. They aren't anywhere near famous in their own right – they could walk past a paparazzi with their johnson flying in the wind and the camera guys wouldn't so much as feel a twitch in their trigger finger – but by the way that fame sort of trickles down, they are considered on the fringes of celebrity. Still, that is just about enough fame to weaken the integrity of some girls' underwear. Without a word of a lie, when I was a mere simple, stupid teenager one of the guys in my social circle went on Brat Camp. That was a TV show where teenage kids who were absolute douchebags got to go on TV to be straightened out by some tough camp. This guy was on television for one hour one week just for being a complete and utter douche. The amount of girls that got excited was unreal. It totally works both ways too, as the daughters and younger sisters of celebrities are gold dust to men who will work their rear ends off to garner that attention. The moral of the story? People want to frog a celebrity and absolutely any celebrity will do.
The “One Up” Guy
The “One Up” guy is usually a friend of a friend, someone you don't know all that well. You might sort of recognise him, but will only realise that he is a “One Up” guy the first time you have an in depth chat with him. You know that little song that went “Anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you”? This guy is the living embodiment. You played a bit of football in school, maybe even for a non-league team? He had try outs with Premiership clubs. Your band is starting to pick up gigs? He has shared a stage with a number one artist. You saving up to go to the Far East for a few weeks? He spent a year living and working out there. You just bought a new car? They just bought a better one. You know the type. After talking to them for five minutes, you want to punch their smug little face so hard their appendix falls out.
The “I'm on a diet, give me that kebab” Girl
It is a well known fact that all girls think they are fat, regardless of their actual body type. You can have girls who naturally have shoulders that are about as wide as a matchbox think they are Godzilla and you can have girls that are nice and normal think that if they starve themselves, they can look like matchbox girl. It doesn't matter if you are healthy, normal or what, girls always think they are fat and are always on a diet – it is one of those facts of life. These diets even carry on to the nights out, with those on a serious health kick preferring to drink vodka and tonics and white wine over those notoriously carb heavy shots of tequila and sugary cocktails. They may even make the conscious decision to dance a bit more to sweat off all of those fattening lemon wedges. At the end of the night, while the normal people start looking for something nice and unhealthy to eat The “I'm on a diet, give me that kebab” Girl starts talking to her friends that are on the same health kick about all the yoghurt and bananas and stuff they can eat when they get back home. Except, as it always is, they are sharing a cab back with someone who is not on a health kick. And that someone will want to go to a kebab van first as, well, you just do when you have tried to replace your blood stream with beer. The “I'm on a diet, give me that kebab” Girl will grudgingly go along, knowing you cannot convince a drunk person otherwise. Then it happens. As soon as they get there, they can't help but order a double burger and cheesy chip pita wrap. Just so you know, these girls are also the same ones who, for their entire time at school, said they were on a diet and proved it by never eating a thing apart from chocolate from the vending machines.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Those Randoms You See Out At Bars
I don't know if I just happen to semi-know a lot of people, or spend a bit too much time people watching (you know, when you just sort of chill out and watch other people as the world goes by), but when I'm out and about on a Friday or Saturday (or Thursday, or Wednesday... you see where this is going?) night I see an awful lot of people I recognise. Some of them I actually know, either quite well or in a “Hey, aren't you so-or-so's friend? Didn't we go to school together?” sort of way. Some of them I just recognise the stereotype. Anyway, the point is I recognise a lot of people. Here are some of them.
The 'Hey, don't I know you? I don't? Ooooh...' Guy
You all know the feeling. There you are, stood at the bar with drink in hand having a ball when you see someone wander across the room. Your brain, for whatever reason, straight away says “Hey, I know that guy!” You then make a beeline over to them and greet them with a huge hug saying things like “Oh my god John! How are you buddy, I haven't seen you since that end of year party as a freshman?” or “Wow, Craig, awesome to see you? You moved back into the area now? How long has it been?” Thing is, they have no fucking clue who you are. You have basically just wandered up to a stranger and started talking to them. They may look an awful lot like your long lost buddy, but in reality they are just some dude trying to have fun and you are this weirdo who keeps trying to touch them. You either don't know them and never did or they have completely forgotten you. Move away and save at least a shred of dignity. Or quote popular memes from the era.
The 'Oh my god I do NOT want to talk to this screwed up guy' Guy
Usually, the Screwed Up Guy can be found in the smoking areas of clubs that he is far, far too old to frequent. Maybe he remembers the time when the place was a more age appropriate bar. Maybe he was even young enough to go there when it first opened. Usually, though, he just goes there as the cheap booze deals which attract the chronically cash strapped youth also appeal to him. Anyway, we have all met the guy. You wander outside to have a quick smoke and maybe use your phone when all of a sudden this random old drunk dude starts yapping at you. Usually something about 'back in my day' or 'hey I did this once' kind of stuff. You are then left with two choices – give monosyllabic answers as the old drunk douche goes on about something you don't care about, or you end up joining him. The later is considered worthy of the death penalty, by the way. The secret third option is of course to immediately stop drinking in case you turn into them.
The 'Hey, would you buy me a drink?' Girl
You all know the one. She knows every guy in the club. She knows twice as many guys outside of the club who will be willing to give her a lift home. She gets in for free because she is a little favourite of the bouncers. She drinks for free because convinces guys that if they buy her a drink, they will totally have a shot with her. She is also very good at picking on guys. She never picks the confident ones, as they would either be more skilled at coercing something in return or just tell her no. Instead, she picks on the runt of the litter. The guy who doesn't really find big bars and clubs 'his scene'. The guy who looks kind of awkward. The guy who would probably rather be at home seeing if he can get through MGS4 without killing anyone unnecessarily. This guy doesn't see the 'Hey, would you buy me a drink' Girl as what she is – just some girl using her sexuality to score free stuff. Oh no, he sees her as one of those girls which his friends tell him about. He thinks SCORE! I'm in! She thinks I'm cute! I'm going to have sex with her! I'll marry her! I'm in love! Poor guy....
The 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl
We all know them. They will go out dressed in skin tight mini dresses that are considered too long if they go an inch over their bum. They will wear tops which show off their boobs, which have of course been made more alluring with glittery sparkly stuff. They will have spend hours getting themselves ready for the night. They look stunning. Slutty, yes, but still stunning. Then you dare to look at them and all you get back is “What the fuck are you looking at, you pervert?” I'm sorry, but if you are going to spend hours dressing yourself up in clothes that show off your body to the maximum, then you do not get to complain when people stare. Without a word of a lie, one of my friends who is a bit of a 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl went to a Beach Party themed club night in a bikini. Not even a modest bikini either, we are talking skimpy stuff. She wore a big old coat and then she walked in and took it off, the entire band of surrounding guys of course started up. She then turned around and went in all seriousness “What the fuck are you doing that for? Get a life you perverts!” and stormed off. This is a girl who wore a bikini to club getting pissy that people looked. Unbelievable...
More to follow on Thursday! Also, if you liked this you may enjoy Five Different Kinds of Drunk and Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
The 'Hey, don't I know you? I don't? Ooooh...' Guy
You all know the feeling. There you are, stood at the bar with drink in hand having a ball when you see someone wander across the room. Your brain, for whatever reason, straight away says “Hey, I know that guy!” You then make a beeline over to them and greet them with a huge hug saying things like “Oh my god John! How are you buddy, I haven't seen you since that end of year party as a freshman?” or “Wow, Craig, awesome to see you? You moved back into the area now? How long has it been?” Thing is, they have no fucking clue who you are. You have basically just wandered up to a stranger and started talking to them. They may look an awful lot like your long lost buddy, but in reality they are just some dude trying to have fun and you are this weirdo who keeps trying to touch them. You either don't know them and never did or they have completely forgotten you. Move away and save at least a shred of dignity. Or quote popular memes from the era.
The 'Oh my god I do NOT want to talk to this screwed up guy' Guy
Usually, the Screwed Up Guy can be found in the smoking areas of clubs that he is far, far too old to frequent. Maybe he remembers the time when the place was a more age appropriate bar. Maybe he was even young enough to go there when it first opened. Usually, though, he just goes there as the cheap booze deals which attract the chronically cash strapped youth also appeal to him. Anyway, we have all met the guy. You wander outside to have a quick smoke and maybe use your phone when all of a sudden this random old drunk dude starts yapping at you. Usually something about 'back in my day' or 'hey I did this once' kind of stuff. You are then left with two choices – give monosyllabic answers as the old drunk douche goes on about something you don't care about, or you end up joining him. The later is considered worthy of the death penalty, by the way. The secret third option is of course to immediately stop drinking in case you turn into them.
The 'Hey, would you buy me a drink?' Girl
You all know the one. She knows every guy in the club. She knows twice as many guys outside of the club who will be willing to give her a lift home. She gets in for free because she is a little favourite of the bouncers. She drinks for free because convinces guys that if they buy her a drink, they will totally have a shot with her. She is also very good at picking on guys. She never picks the confident ones, as they would either be more skilled at coercing something in return or just tell her no. Instead, she picks on the runt of the litter. The guy who doesn't really find big bars and clubs 'his scene'. The guy who looks kind of awkward. The guy who would probably rather be at home seeing if he can get through MGS4 without killing anyone unnecessarily. This guy doesn't see the 'Hey, would you buy me a drink' Girl as what she is – just some girl using her sexuality to score free stuff. Oh no, he sees her as one of those girls which his friends tell him about. He thinks SCORE! I'm in! She thinks I'm cute! I'm going to have sex with her! I'll marry her! I'm in love! Poor guy....
The 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl
We all know them. They will go out dressed in skin tight mini dresses that are considered too long if they go an inch over their bum. They will wear tops which show off their boobs, which have of course been made more alluring with glittery sparkly stuff. They will have spend hours getting themselves ready for the night. They look stunning. Slutty, yes, but still stunning. Then you dare to look at them and all you get back is “What the fuck are you looking at, you pervert?” I'm sorry, but if you are going to spend hours dressing yourself up in clothes that show off your body to the maximum, then you do not get to complain when people stare. Without a word of a lie, one of my friends who is a bit of a 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl went to a Beach Party themed club night in a bikini. Not even a modest bikini either, we are talking skimpy stuff. She wore a big old coat and then she walked in and took it off, the entire band of surrounding guys of course started up. She then turned around and went in all seriousness “What the fuck are you doing that for? Get a life you perverts!” and stormed off. This is a girl who wore a bikini to club getting pissy that people looked. Unbelievable...
More to follow on Thursday! Also, if you liked this you may enjoy Five Different Kinds of Drunk and Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Blogging keeps you awake for boxing - FACT!
Oh my fucking god am I tired. I mean, I thought this whole covering sport thing would be fun. Well, it isn't when it keeps you up for 22 odd hours at a time. Anyway, in order to keep myself awake throughout the Pacquiao vs Clottey fight, I thought I'd make running updates for today's post. Here we go...
Pre Fight
It is sods law that the fight before the main event is going the distance. Don't they know that I am crying out for my bed!? Come on people, stop coasting to the end and knock each other out. Or go to points. Whatever. Just make me suffer.
Finally... now we just get the twenty minutes of video packages and ring entrances... yay...
The Sky guys are amazed about the massive HD screens at Cowboys Stadium. That is what I've been gawking at all year during Cowboys home games... well, the screens and Romo's interceptions...
My lungs are going to regret the whole smoking to stay awake thing I'm doing at the moment. Also, it took Clottey so long to reach the ring... god only knows how much Pacman will milk it.
After about 7 hours of build up, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Round One
Pacman looks to take an early advantage, but most of his hits bounce off Clottey's guard. Clottey has a few searching punches but he must know that no judge in the world would give him a points victory over the cashcow of Pacquiao. He is just sizing him up for a KO shot. 10 – 9 to Pacman.
Round Two
Pacman is starting to pick his gaps and get shots in on Clottey, who is too busy protecting his head to protect his sides. Clottey is in a very passive mood tonight, and that annoys me. He is getting the odd shot out, but nothing that will ruffle the wee diddy Filipino. Second round to Pacman too – 20 – 18
Round Three
Come on Clottey, PLEASE do something other than make Pacman throw punches. Please. That will not get you a victory. No, do something – stop standing there getting hit. And throw punches other than jabs. That may help. Hmm.. saying that, Pacman is getting caught by a few. If he didn't have a chin made of steel that may do something. I'm still giving this round to Pacman, but it would not surprise me if at least one judge gave it to Clottey – 30 – 27 to Pacquiao.
Round Four
Pacman is still unloading, but it looks as if the few punches Clottey is landing are a bit heavier. Still, in terms of work rate and ring control Pacman is walking this so far. He shouldn't get careless, but Clottey doesn't appear interested in challenging at the moment. I stayed up for this? 40 – 36 to Pacman.
Round Five
Pacq is easing off a tiny bit, allowing Clottey to get a word in. Clottey has had the best opening here but Pacman is finishing the round strong. To be honest, I think Pacman is easing off and looking for counter opportunities. Eurgh, tough round to judge... still, I'll give it to Pacman again. 50 – 45
Round Six
Come on Clottey... let loose. It won't hurt... well, until you get punched in the face. I think the last round got a bit close for comfort for Pacman, he is still allowing Clottey to come at him to open up counter opportunities but is throwing enough to control the round. Watching this one sided match makes me wish I was seeing Mayweather in there even more. 60 – 54.
Round Seven
The trainer is finally taking my advice and is telling Clottey to start taking some chances. He needs to do something, his only hope to get remotely even is a knock down. And, no offence to Clottey, I don't see him knocking Pacq down unless something really fucking weird happens. Right now, Pacman is just sitting back, throwing the odd punch, letting Clottey come at him and then throwing a ton of punches. He did get caught by one sole meaningful punch, though. Oooh, and one or two more. Still dominating, though. Respectful touch of gloves after the taller Clottey got on top in a weird clinch on Pacman. Still, after all that it is 70 – 63.
Round Eight
I've got bored of saying this now. Pacman doing enough, Clottey gives it a token go and then Pacman unleashes. Low blow by Clottey there, and Pacman takes a few seconds to check his balls are intact. I guess they are as they are back at it. The ref, weirdly, tries to break up the friendly glove pat at the end of the round. 80 – 72.
Round Nine
Clottey's trainer Jesus (no relation) points out the blindingly obvious – he is losing every single round. Despite knowing he is losing, Clottey is still just sort of standing there getting hit. I really hate fights like this. And I know it will trudge on like this for the distance. The Sky commentators, trying to keep us bored sleepy people interested, wonder if Clottey has something special he is saving for the last rounds. I'm betting.... no. In a weird way, it is a shame Clottey hasn't got a cut or something so his corner have an excuse to pull him. Pacman now bored with poking Clottey and looks like he is going for the knockout. 90 – 81.
Round Ten
Clottey is just going for the 12 rounds so he can say he went 12 rounds with Pacquiao. Jesus says the ref will stop it unless Clottey throws some punches. Personally, I think this should have been stopped in round four. Clottey does not stand a chance and if Pacman goes for the KO, he could get hurt. I suppose I need to give Clottey his dues for taking this ass whooping like a man, but come on now. Just give up, there is no shame in losing to a monster like Pacman. 100 – 90. The round hasn't even finished and I'm writing up the score. Clottey is giving it a little go now, but if he thinks he can get a one punch KO on Pacquiao then he is gravely mistaken.
Round Eleven
The crowd are urging Clottey on, probably to just fucking do something of use. He has wounded Pacman, though, who has a tiny welt under his eye. Two huge punches from Clottey. He is not going down without a fight. At this rate I might give him the round. Probably wont, but I might. The crowd have woken up. Pacman is not happy that Clottey started throwing and is now turning the power back up. 110 – 99, although you could argue the case for Clottey in that round.
Round Twelve
The roof is open in Dallas to let all the hot air out. God I hope that Mayweather's fight is better than this. Anyway, Clottey is finally just throwing without a care in the world. He is getting tagged, though, and Pacman looks as lively now as he did in the first. Any young boxer should take a lesson from Pacman's work rate. Right, this is boring now... just finish, let me see if Pacman did win every round and I got the card right and let me fucking sleep. 120 – 108.
Post Fight
They are hugging and now Clottey is wondering how he will spend his purse as he gets a lap of honour on his trainer's shoulder. He could be a good opponent for people looking to test their work rate and counter punch countering, but that is about it. He got hit so many times and never blinked. In fact, Pacquiao's face is a bigger mess.
One judge agreed with me. The rest gave Clottey one token round, probably the eleventh. All I can say is that if boxing wants to compete with MMA, you need to do better than that. That was so fucking dull. I'm going to sleep. Humph. Oh, and I can be up in a few hours
Pre Fight
It is sods law that the fight before the main event is going the distance. Don't they know that I am crying out for my bed!? Come on people, stop coasting to the end and knock each other out. Or go to points. Whatever. Just make me suffer.
Finally... now we just get the twenty minutes of video packages and ring entrances... yay...
The Sky guys are amazed about the massive HD screens at Cowboys Stadium. That is what I've been gawking at all year during Cowboys home games... well, the screens and Romo's interceptions...
My lungs are going to regret the whole smoking to stay awake thing I'm doing at the moment. Also, it took Clottey so long to reach the ring... god only knows how much Pacman will milk it.
After about 7 hours of build up, LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!
Round One
Pacman looks to take an early advantage, but most of his hits bounce off Clottey's guard. Clottey has a few searching punches but he must know that no judge in the world would give him a points victory over the cashcow of Pacquiao. He is just sizing him up for a KO shot. 10 – 9 to Pacman.
Round Two
Pacman is starting to pick his gaps and get shots in on Clottey, who is too busy protecting his head to protect his sides. Clottey is in a very passive mood tonight, and that annoys me. He is getting the odd shot out, but nothing that will ruffle the wee diddy Filipino. Second round to Pacman too – 20 – 18
Round Three
Come on Clottey, PLEASE do something other than make Pacman throw punches. Please. That will not get you a victory. No, do something – stop standing there getting hit. And throw punches other than jabs. That may help. Hmm.. saying that, Pacman is getting caught by a few. If he didn't have a chin made of steel that may do something. I'm still giving this round to Pacman, but it would not surprise me if at least one judge gave it to Clottey – 30 – 27 to Pacquiao.
Round Four
Pacman is still unloading, but it looks as if the few punches Clottey is landing are a bit heavier. Still, in terms of work rate and ring control Pacman is walking this so far. He shouldn't get careless, but Clottey doesn't appear interested in challenging at the moment. I stayed up for this? 40 – 36 to Pacman.
Round Five
Pacq is easing off a tiny bit, allowing Clottey to get a word in. Clottey has had the best opening here but Pacman is finishing the round strong. To be honest, I think Pacman is easing off and looking for counter opportunities. Eurgh, tough round to judge... still, I'll give it to Pacman again. 50 – 45
Round Six
Come on Clottey... let loose. It won't hurt... well, until you get punched in the face. I think the last round got a bit close for comfort for Pacman, he is still allowing Clottey to come at him to open up counter opportunities but is throwing enough to control the round. Watching this one sided match makes me wish I was seeing Mayweather in there even more. 60 – 54.
Round Seven
The trainer is finally taking my advice and is telling Clottey to start taking some chances. He needs to do something, his only hope to get remotely even is a knock down. And, no offence to Clottey, I don't see him knocking Pacq down unless something really fucking weird happens. Right now, Pacman is just sitting back, throwing the odd punch, letting Clottey come at him and then throwing a ton of punches. He did get caught by one sole meaningful punch, though. Oooh, and one or two more. Still dominating, though. Respectful touch of gloves after the taller Clottey got on top in a weird clinch on Pacman. Still, after all that it is 70 – 63.
Round Eight
I've got bored of saying this now. Pacman doing enough, Clottey gives it a token go and then Pacman unleashes. Low blow by Clottey there, and Pacman takes a few seconds to check his balls are intact. I guess they are as they are back at it. The ref, weirdly, tries to break up the friendly glove pat at the end of the round. 80 – 72.
Round Nine
Clottey's trainer Jesus (no relation) points out the blindingly obvious – he is losing every single round. Despite knowing he is losing, Clottey is still just sort of standing there getting hit. I really hate fights like this. And I know it will trudge on like this for the distance. The Sky commentators, trying to keep us bored sleepy people interested, wonder if Clottey has something special he is saving for the last rounds. I'm betting.... no. In a weird way, it is a shame Clottey hasn't got a cut or something so his corner have an excuse to pull him. Pacman now bored with poking Clottey and looks like he is going for the knockout. 90 – 81.
Round Ten
Clottey is just going for the 12 rounds so he can say he went 12 rounds with Pacquiao. Jesus says the ref will stop it unless Clottey throws some punches. Personally, I think this should have been stopped in round four. Clottey does not stand a chance and if Pacman goes for the KO, he could get hurt. I suppose I need to give Clottey his dues for taking this ass whooping like a man, but come on now. Just give up, there is no shame in losing to a monster like Pacman. 100 – 90. The round hasn't even finished and I'm writing up the score. Clottey is giving it a little go now, but if he thinks he can get a one punch KO on Pacquiao then he is gravely mistaken.
Round Eleven
The crowd are urging Clottey on, probably to just fucking do something of use. He has wounded Pacman, though, who has a tiny welt under his eye. Two huge punches from Clottey. He is not going down without a fight. At this rate I might give him the round. Probably wont, but I might. The crowd have woken up. Pacman is not happy that Clottey started throwing and is now turning the power back up. 110 – 99, although you could argue the case for Clottey in that round.
Round Twelve
The roof is open in Dallas to let all the hot air out. God I hope that Mayweather's fight is better than this. Anyway, Clottey is finally just throwing without a care in the world. He is getting tagged, though, and Pacman looks as lively now as he did in the first. Any young boxer should take a lesson from Pacman's work rate. Right, this is boring now... just finish, let me see if Pacman did win every round and I got the card right and let me fucking sleep. 120 – 108.
Post Fight
They are hugging and now Clottey is wondering how he will spend his purse as he gets a lap of honour on his trainer's shoulder. He could be a good opponent for people looking to test their work rate and counter punch countering, but that is about it. He got hit so many times and never blinked. In fact, Pacquiao's face is a bigger mess.
One judge agreed with me. The rest gave Clottey one token round, probably the eleventh. All I can say is that if boxing wants to compete with MMA, you need to do better than that. That was so fucking dull. I'm going to sleep. Humph. Oh, and I can be up in a few hours
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