I don't know if I just happen to semi-know a lot of people, or spend a bit too much time people watching (you know, when you just sort of chill out and watch other people as the world goes by), but when I'm out and about on a Friday or Saturday (or Thursday, or Wednesday... you see where this is going?) night I see an awful lot of people I recognise. Some of them I actually know, either quite well or in a “Hey, aren't you so-or-so's friend? Didn't we go to school together?” sort of way. Some of them I just recognise the stereotype. Anyway, the point is I recognise a lot of people. Here are some of them.
The 'Hey, don't I know you? I don't? Ooooh...' Guy
You all know the feeling. There you are, stood at the bar with drink in hand having a ball when you see someone wander across the room. Your brain, for whatever reason, straight away says “Hey, I know that guy!” You then make a beeline over to them and greet them with a huge hug saying things like “Oh my god John! How are you buddy, I haven't seen you since that end of year party as a freshman?” or “Wow, Craig, awesome to see you? You moved back into the area now? How long has it been?” Thing is, they have no fucking clue who you are. You have basically just wandered up to a stranger and started talking to them. They may look an awful lot like your long lost buddy, but in reality they are just some dude trying to have fun and you are this weirdo who keeps trying to touch them. You either don't know them and never did or they have completely forgotten you. Move away and save at least a shred of dignity. Or quote popular memes from the era.
The 'Oh my god I do NOT want to talk to this screwed up guy' Guy
Usually, the Screwed Up Guy can be found in the smoking areas of clubs that he is far, far too old to frequent. Maybe he remembers the time when the place was a more age appropriate bar. Maybe he was even young enough to go there when it first opened. Usually, though, he just goes there as the cheap booze deals which attract the chronically cash strapped youth also appeal to him. Anyway, we have all met the guy. You wander outside to have a quick smoke and maybe use your phone when all of a sudden this random old drunk dude starts yapping at you. Usually something about 'back in my day' or 'hey I did this once' kind of stuff. You are then left with two choices – give monosyllabic answers as the old drunk douche goes on about something you don't care about, or you end up joining him. The later is considered worthy of the death penalty, by the way. The secret third option is of course to immediately stop drinking in case you turn into them.
The 'Hey, would you buy me a drink?' Girl
You all know the one. She knows every guy in the club. She knows twice as many guys outside of the club who will be willing to give her a lift home. She gets in for free because she is a little favourite of the bouncers. She drinks for free because convinces guys that if they buy her a drink, they will totally have a shot with her. She is also very good at picking on guys. She never picks the confident ones, as they would either be more skilled at coercing something in return or just tell her no. Instead, she picks on the runt of the litter. The guy who doesn't really find big bars and clubs 'his scene'. The guy who looks kind of awkward. The guy who would probably rather be at home seeing if he can get through MGS4 without killing anyone unnecessarily. This guy doesn't see the 'Hey, would you buy me a drink' Girl as what she is – just some girl using her sexuality to score free stuff. Oh no, he sees her as one of those girls which his friends tell him about. He thinks SCORE! I'm in! She thinks I'm cute! I'm going to have sex with her! I'll marry her! I'm in love! Poor guy....
The 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl
We all know them. They will go out dressed in skin tight mini dresses that are considered too long if they go an inch over their bum. They will wear tops which show off their boobs, which have of course been made more alluring with glittery sparkly stuff. They will have spend hours getting themselves ready for the night. They look stunning. Slutty, yes, but still stunning. Then you dare to look at them and all you get back is “What the fuck are you looking at, you pervert?” I'm sorry, but if you are going to spend hours dressing yourself up in clothes that show off your body to the maximum, then you do not get to complain when people stare. Without a word of a lie, one of my friends who is a bit of a 'Hey, why are you staring at me you pervert' Girl went to a Beach Party themed club night in a bikini. Not even a modest bikini either, we are talking skimpy stuff. She wore a big old coat and then she walked in and took it off, the entire band of surrounding guys of course started up. She then turned around and went in all seriousness “What the fuck are you doing that for? Get a life you perverts!” and stormed off. This is a girl who wore a bikini to club getting pissy that people looked. Unbelievable...
More to follow on Thursday! Also, if you liked this you may enjoy Five Different Kinds of Drunk and Five More Different Kinds of Drunk.
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