More of those Randoms that you see at Clubs

On Tuesday, we examined those random people that you see out and about at bars, clubs and the like. Today, we are looking at some more. Let's get moving, shall we?



The “No way, you grew up?! And you're hot!?” Girl

I'll play out a little scenario for you, lets see if you can relate. There you are, getting your groove on on the dance floor when all of a sudden this stunning young girl wanders up to you. She knows your name and seems pleased to see you in a shy, teasing sort of way. You immediately think that if a girl like that can wander up to you and know your name, then you should rush out and buy a lottery ticket as clearly your luck is in. Then you give her another look up and down. All of a sudden a crushing and terrifying thought pops into your brain - “OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT IS *old friend*'s LITTLE SISTER! SHE GREW UP! AND SHE IS HOT! WHAT DO I DO!?” That's right – the last time you saw this girl was at least five years ago and she was more interested in dolls and playing house and doing well at school. Now there she is in front of you wearing a skimpy skirt, high heels and a top that shows off two things she did most definately not have the last time you saw her. And she is drinking!? What do you do!? Do you just sort of smile, say hello and walk off? Is she fair game? I mean, you haven't seen *old friend* for a few years, have you? Surely he might not mind if you buy her a drink? After meeting the “No way, you grew up?! And you're hot!?” Girl, you will then spend the next several hours swaying between thinking “Oh my god the last time I saw that girl she was watching the Disney Channel” and “Look at her move on the dance floor!” Head implosion is the likely outcome here.

The “I get girls because I know a celebrity” Guy

I'm not talking about knowing a celebrity in a professional manner here. I'm not even talking about knowing a real celebrity either. The “I get girls because I know a celebrity” Guy usually knows someone who has been on reality television or flamed out spectacularly on some talent show. They may even just be a friend of a relative of someone famous. They aren't anywhere near famous in their own right – they could walk past a paparazzi with their johnson flying in the wind and the camera guys wouldn't so much as feel a twitch in their trigger finger – but by the way that fame sort of trickles down, they are considered on the fringes of celebrity. Still, that is just about enough fame to weaken the integrity of some girls' underwear. Without a word of a lie, when I was a mere simple, stupid teenager one of the guys in my social circle went on Brat Camp. That was a TV show where teenage kids who were absolute douchebags got to go on TV to be straightened out by some tough camp. This guy was on television for one hour one week just for being a complete and utter douche. The amount of girls that got excited was unreal. It totally works both ways too, as the daughters and younger sisters of celebrities are gold dust to men who will work their rear ends off to garner that attention. The moral of the story? People want to frog a celebrity and absolutely any celebrity will do.

The “One Up” Guy

The “One Up” guy is usually a friend of a friend, someone you don't know all that well. You might sort of recognise him, but will only realise that he is a “One Up” guy the first time you have an in depth chat with him. You know that little song that went “Anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you”? This guy is the living embodiment. You played a bit of football in school, maybe even for a non-league team? He had try outs with Premiership clubs. Your band is starting to pick up gigs? He has shared a stage with a number one artist. You saving up to go to the Far East for a few weeks? He spent a year living and working out there. You just bought a new car? They just bought a better one. You know the type. After talking to them for five minutes, you want to punch their smug little face so hard their appendix falls out.

The “I'm on a diet, give me that kebab” Girl

It is a well known fact that all girls think they are fat, regardless of their actual body type. You can have girls who naturally have shoulders that are about as wide as a matchbox think they are Godzilla and you can have girls that are nice and normal think that if they starve themselves, they can look like matchbox girl. It doesn't matter if you are healthy, normal or what, girls always think they are fat and are always on a diet – it is one of those facts of life. These diets even carry on to the nights out, with those on a serious health kick preferring to drink vodka and tonics and white wine over those notoriously carb heavy shots of tequila and sugary cocktails. They may even make the conscious decision to dance a bit more to sweat off all of those fattening lemon wedges. At the end of the night, while the normal people start looking for something nice and unhealthy to eat The “I'm on a diet, give me that kebab” Girl starts talking to her friends that are on the same health kick about all the yoghurt and bananas and stuff they can eat when they get back home. Except, as it always is, they are sharing a cab back with someone who is not on a health kick. And that someone will want to go to a kebab van first as, well, you just do when you have tried to replace your blood stream with beer. The “I'm on a diet, give me that kebab” Girl will grudgingly go along, knowing you cannot convince a drunk person otherwise. Then it happens. As soon as they get there, they can't help but order a double burger and cheesy chip pita wrap. Just so you know, these girls are also the same ones who, for their entire time at school, said they were on a diet and proved it by never eating a thing apart from chocolate from the vending machines.