Five Different Kinds of Drunk

This might be surprising to some people, but I got drunk last night. And while I was in this drunken state, I started coming up with theories. It is something I often do, as my mind is usually more productive when it has umpteen pints of beer in it. Although, last night it was closer to umpteen measures of whiskey in it. Anyway, I digress...

When I got drunk last night, I started theorising about the different kinds of drunk there are. I don't mean stuff like “It's fun to go out drinking with Steve, he is a really great guy when he is hammered” or “Never, ever go out drinking with Brian, he gets awfully stabby after his third mojito.” No no, I mean that quite normal people can get different kinds of 'drunk'. Sometimes they get funny, sometimes they get rude, sometimes they get violent and sometimes they get naked and pretend they are a clown. It happens. Lets examine some of the more common kinds of drunk people get.

Hungry Drunk

This, I will admit, is what I was last night. I don't know why, but sometimes when the beers are rushing through your veins all you can think of doing is eating your body weight in whatever food you can get your hands on. It is when you are feeling Hungry Drunk that a visit to the kebab van takes on a whole new meaning. Instead of just grabbing a box of chips, a burger or (if you are feeling incredibly brave\drunk) a kebab, you just take a long look in your wallet and buy as much food as you can afford. You then get home and make a bacon sandwich, have a bowl of cereal and take the first thing you see in the fridge to bed with you as a late snack.

Lewd Drunk

There is always one, and they are almost always male. Stick a few gins down his neck and all of a sudden the upper male brain shuts down and the lower male brain takes over. In the Lewd Drunk's head, he may believe that he is cooing out words of woo that would make Hugh Hefner look like a gawky kid at their first spin-the-bottle party. However, in actuality all he is doing is asking girls to get their boobs out and running up a pretty long list of things that will just add to the next morning's hangover pain. This never stops the Lewd Drunk, though, as in their mind the only thing women like more than being objectified is being drooled over! Score!

Sick Drunk

More often than not, the Sick Drunk will start the night off saying things like 'Oh, I don't really drink much' or 'I suppose I'll just have a bottle of beer, I guess'. At about the halfway point, when the regular drinkers who know how to handle their hooch are either starting to just maintain a buzz or dive into the deep end of Black Out Cove, the Sick Drunk is usually already far drunker than they ever have been. By the end of the night, when others are busy making sloppy passes at the opposite sex or twitching violently on the dance floor, the Sick Drunk is usually in the bathroom removing the entire night's alcohol from their system in one foul swoop. They will then continue to do this all the way home, all through the night and, if you are really lucky, throughout the next morning. Oh, and they also create an awful lot of drama.

Gay Drunk

We all have those friends. What better way is it to appeal to the opposite sex than, when the drinks have duly been pounded, to get a little up close and personal with your same sex buddies? It is a plan that can never fail! With guys, they often get awfully up close and personal with their same-sex friends in order to make sure that all the womenfolk in the joint know that they are secure with their sexuality, love the attention and are fun guys. With girls, is there a better way to show that they are sexy little minxes than by macking with their bestest friends? Once again, it is a plan that can NEVER fail!

Emotional Drunk

They are the one who, while the rest of your group are inside pounding the shots and working on making sure that walking in a straight line will be a significant issue for many days to come, is sat outside in the smoking area pouring their heart out. Maybe they have just been dumped, maybe the person they are 'totally in love with' has just shot them down or maybe they are just frustrated with something that is trivial the rest of the year, but at that exact moment in time is the greatest drama to ever befoul a life ever. Whatever the reason, the emotional drunk will spend most of the evening out gushing about their massive problems to anyone willing to listen before promptly not giving two shits as soon as they sober up. Emotional Drunks are also usually found in pairs with an Enabling Drunk, who will convince them that they are right and their lives are so drama filled that someone could easily make an Oscar winning film about it. Or partnered with a Predator Drunk who is hoping to take advantage.

Honourable Mentions: Enabling Drunk, Loud Drunk, Fight Your Friends Drunk, Predator Drunk, Naked Drunk

Introducing: The Black Stuff

Once more no OC for you guys as I've been just ridiculously busy recently getting some new projects off the ground. One of them is my new F1 blog, www.TheBlackStuff.co.uk

Go There.....now... GO!

Introducing: Red Top News

No formal update for Sunday (Well, I say Sunday... I mean Monday, as I had a gig in Bournemouth last night. I can exclusively reveal that the M3 is the dullest motorway in history, although I digress...)

Instead, I am here to show you all a brand new blog - Red Top News. Satire, Scandal, News and Sports all in one place. Check it out, you won't regret it. I promise. Pinky swear...

Odd Ideas That My Brain Comes Up With...

As anyone who follows my Twitter feed will attest to, I have some really frigging odd thoughts at times. I mean, the main reason I have a Twitter feed isn't to tell the world my activity each and every fucking second of the day, oh no, it's just as a place to jot down all the odd little thoughts that pop into my brain as the day goes by.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I have a batshit crazy idea that I can't express in just 140 characters. Mostly, they are book and short story ideas (or as I call them, 'stuff I whore to publishers that never gets picked up') but here is a collection of some of my stranger ideas.

• I want to write a comedy book about a nuclear explosion from the perspective of a bunny who nibbled through the wires and set it off. Imagine it - it would be epic. Everyone convinced that some rougue nation would be the one to set a nuclear bomb off, and instead it's just a rabbit.
• I want to write a sitcom about a group of students, except whenever I try I just make the characters stereotypes of some of my friends. And, the thing is, should I ever get round to piloting the thing they would all be like "dude, that is so obviously me! Fuck you!"
• Is it weird to want to change me name to, like, Justin Time or Barry Cade and just write a journal of what people say to me in response to my name? Although I would need to obtain fake ID for that, as I'm sure people would want proof and I doubt writing it in my underpants would be enough. Also, I am NOT changing my name by depol to Barry fucking Cade, alright?
• Finally, I'm not entirely sure if I should know this, but the computer graphic for POD on the BBC 3 makeover show 'Snog, Marry, Avoid' is the exact same graphic as the one ESPN use for their world famous SportsCenter logo. You know the one, the red dot with the lenses focusing around it? Yeah, you know the one. Anyway, they are the same. And I want to know what would happen if the two of them changed places for a day. Would POD start doing a Tony Kornheiser on the SportsCenter crew? Would the SportsCenter graphic tell Bianca Gascgoine about baseball? Oooooh the possibilities!

Hot Curlers

I'm still obsessed with curling. Obsessed with curling and very, very hung over. Therefore, have some pictures of curlers and be happy.

 

I am still totally obsessed with the Winter Olympics...

I want to learn how to either do Ski Cross or Snowboard Cross... preferably Ski Cross. Basically I want to race down a mountain with sticks, duelling along the way.  Or, perhaps, I'll learn to bobsleigh. As a no-year no claims bonus will attest to, I'm a damn good driver and as I'm also a pretty big guy, I'm sure I could give it a decent push. I helped push start my dad's car once. One time, I was also part of a gang that stole my mate's Vauxhall Nova by just picking it up and walking off with it, although that is entirely a different story.

I wouldn't mind giving curling a go as well, purely to get to shout and slide a lot. Oh, and hang out with female curlers. They look awesome. It appears that (German curlers excluded) to be a female curler, you have to either be some saucy little minx or some kinky MILF.

 

I want to slide down the ice with these people, if you know what I mean...

One sport I could never, ever do, though, is cross country skiing. Seriously, those guys are defective in the head. Have you seen them at the finish line? It is the only sport I can think of where absolutely everyone who crosses the finish line collapses on site. No exceptions. It is absolutely bonkers.

I couldn't do speed skating either, as I'd feel self conscious in all that lycra, bent over. It just isn't natural. Plus, I'm not Korean and from what I've seen that is a major disadvantage. Figure skating, too, is out for me. I do not have an ounce of agility in me. Seriously, have you seen those guys and gals? They defy the laws of physics on a regular basis. I also can't do Ice Hockey as I have an aversion to being punched in the face by angry Canadians.

TL:DR – Yes, I am still utterly obsessed with the Winter Olympics and my Twitter feed is still just one giant monument to the glory that is sliding down a mountain as fast as possible.

Things I've Noticed About The Winter Olympics

As anyone following my Twitter feed will know, I've become obsessed with the Winter Olympics. Here are some of my thoughts:

• Every Russian athlete is hot. Especially the curling team. Seriously. Wow. 
• The speed skaters' thighs defy logic, physics and possibly the laws of God
• If the Winter Olympics is just full of sports that involve sliding, why aren't water slides and those long sheets of plastic that you laid on the lawn as a kid, squirted with washing up liquid and a hose and slid down that broke at least one kids collar bone each summer proper Olympic sports?
•  Have I mentioned the speed skaters' thighs?
• Why invite some of the Ice Hockey nations when it is just obvious that they are there to be mocked?
• Since when did it become a part of the Communist party plan to make gymnasts turn into snowboarders? Is it like some form of punishment? "Oh fuck you, you fell of the bars, we are going to strap you to a baking tray and shove you down a steep mountain!"
• I feel morally superior to Shaun White. He may be infinately more talented than me, but I have better hair. 
• I want to bobsleigh. Not in the Olympics, just in my day to day life. Also, I want to bobsleigh drunk. 
• Curling is slightly erotic. All that sliding about on the ice and grunting. Think about it. 
• Figure skating is the best sport ever invented. I couldn't do that shit standing on firm ground, let along skating around on one leg. Also, Brett Favre may be renowned for throwing a football hard but I doubt even he could get a spiral on a fucking person.
• Why don't speed skaters use their blades more constructively? I mean the big juicey acheles tendons of their rivals are there for the stomping
• Double Luge is the most homo-erotic sport ever. Seriously, it's just full of men in lycra laying on top of each other grunting. 
• Finally, who in their right mind thinks 'I want to be an Olympian. I know, I'll lay on a baking tray on my front and slide down a mountain at 140kph! GENIUS!'