You know, they say that when you have absolutely no bloody clue about what you should write, you should try doing some free writing. I'm not entirely sure who 'they' are, but what I do know is what free writing is. It's when you don't censor yourself and you just sort of let words pour forth from out of your brain and onto your computer. It's a bit like freestyling, except with far, far less street cred.
The reason that I'm doing it is that for the last few weeks I haven't had a single solitary clue about what the hell I should write. I've kept the whole sports blogging stuff ticking over as, frankly, it is ridiculously easy to mock the sporting world. But in terms of other, actual writing? Forget about it...
I currently have three books which are really not doing a whole lot. One is finished and just needs some early chapter edits before submission to the editor, one is 30,000 words in and needs some extra early early chapters pumped in to it as it is apparently bad form to start your main 'call to arms' half way through the second chapter, and one which is 11,000 in, but is serious and I can't make dick jokes in it. That means that my entire vocabulary runs out at around the 11,000 words mark. Well, frankly if I can't make jokes I run out of words at around the 11 mark, but we'll ignore that.
Then you get to here, where I generally spend each Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday sitting around scratching my chin looking at a blank page for a few minutes, then switching off by computer and trying hard to crack the top 10,000 lap times around Road America in Forza 3. I've lost my mojo a bit, frankly.
On top of that I have a script which has about two scenes finished and a lot of scribbles on a white board, college applications which are sat unfilled on my desk and a 'To Do' list which is off the bottom of my white board and onto Postit notes.
So, has all of this helped? Well.... no, frankly. I still have absolutely no clue how I'm going to structure new opening book chapters, no idea how I'm going to introduce 3 more characters in a script, no idea how I'm going to write an entire book without making dick jokes and no idea how I'm going to shave 7 seconds off of my Forza 3 lap time. Still, at least I got a Thursday blog posting done...
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
The Folk You FInd In Pubs
I spend an awful lot of times in pubs. Well, to be honest, I spend an awful lot of time on the floors of pubs drunk as a skunk, as that is the way I roll. Anyway, through my times in pubs I've noticed that there are always a few certain stereotypes of people. Here are some of them.
The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy
Usually, The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy spends a disproportionate amount of his time in a pub. He will generally have one favourite pub where he spends most of his time and is probably so close with the landlord\landlady that he mows their lawn. As a normal, and sober, person he is probably a great guy. Thing is, when he gets a few drinks down his neck all of a sudden he is the font of all knowledge and his barstool is his soapbox. Got an opinion on politics? Wrong. Got an opinion on sport? Wrong. Explaining how something works to someone? Wrong. Talking about a historical event? Wrong. You see where this is going? Well, if you do see where this is going then The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy would still say you were fucking wrong. Without a word of a lie, I have heard one You're Wrong I'm Right Guy walk up to two people talking and say “No, that's complete rubbish. By the way, what are you guys talking about?”
The Middle Aged Ho
Ahh, The Middle Aged Ho... is there a more beautiful thing? People seem to be of the opinion that any trace of sexual promiscuity in women just sort of stops around the age of 30. Well, that isn't really true. If you look around any pub, there will always be at least one woman in there who is well into her middle age and doing some old school sleeping around. Maybe she is a recent divorcee, maybe she has just always been single or maybe she is having an affair. Either way, if you look around any pub then there will be at least one woman who you would never, ever think of as a a sexual being sat there macking with some different guy each and every week. It happens, and it is as disturbing as it is hot. You know you'd hit it at any rate.
The Drunken Gangster
Some people, when they get drunk, start to talk a little bit of rubbish. Usually it is just a bit of exaggeration and boasting, the way that drunken people do, but every now and again a drunk dude will let slip a dark secret – he is a gangster! Oh yeah, he is a real bad ass... he totally knows a guy who killed a guy, totally knows people who sleep with shotguns by their beds and has totally been lucky himself not to do serious time. When I was a kid, a few people did say things like “Don't mess with me, my brother knows people who have killed someone” and, at the time, it was an absolutely terrifying prospect. Then, of course, we all grew up and realised that only a tiny amount of people actually know these random killers who are walking the streets and shopping in Sainsburys. Still, The Drunken Gangster is totally one of those people. The only thing, though, is that all of his hardcore, gang banging knowledge comes from films and TV. If he wants to boozily explain how to dispose of a body, he will just quote Snatch word for word. If he wants to explain how to run a scam, then it will be something like Casino. This, though, does open up one of the best opportunities in life – quote the next line of the film they are referencing. Oh, it's great fun – you have this drunken dude quoting a film like it is his own original idea, and then you quote the next line. It is the stuff that dreams are made of.
The Eternal Mother
Lets face it, pubs, bars and clubs are all places in which people generally make a tit of themselves. They will either flame out with someone they want to bang, get drunk and fall down or fight. It is just the way it is, accept it. The Eternal Mother knows this, and will always be there to clear up the wounds. Need some reassurance? Well, then The Eternal Mother will be there to give you a hug and a pep talk. Two big guys about to kick seven shades of shit out of one another? Well, The Eternal Mother will bravely step into the middle of the battle and scald them both with a mother's tone in order to regain some order. Drunk? Then The Eternal Mother will sit you down in a corner with a big glass of water and make sure you know you're making a tit of yourself. Indeed, The Eternal Mother is like a guardian angel, hovering over all those within the pub world and taking care of everyone under her charge. For the love of god, buy your pub's Eternal Mother a drink tomorrow!
The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy
Usually, The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy spends a disproportionate amount of his time in a pub. He will generally have one favourite pub where he spends most of his time and is probably so close with the landlord\landlady that he mows their lawn. As a normal, and sober, person he is probably a great guy. Thing is, when he gets a few drinks down his neck all of a sudden he is the font of all knowledge and his barstool is his soapbox. Got an opinion on politics? Wrong. Got an opinion on sport? Wrong. Explaining how something works to someone? Wrong. Talking about a historical event? Wrong. You see where this is going? Well, if you do see where this is going then The You're Wrong I'm Right Guy would still say you were fucking wrong. Without a word of a lie, I have heard one You're Wrong I'm Right Guy walk up to two people talking and say “No, that's complete rubbish. By the way, what are you guys talking about?”
The Middle Aged Ho
Ahh, The Middle Aged Ho... is there a more beautiful thing? People seem to be of the opinion that any trace of sexual promiscuity in women just sort of stops around the age of 30. Well, that isn't really true. If you look around any pub, there will always be at least one woman in there who is well into her middle age and doing some old school sleeping around. Maybe she is a recent divorcee, maybe she has just always been single or maybe she is having an affair. Either way, if you look around any pub then there will be at least one woman who you would never, ever think of as a a sexual being sat there macking with some different guy each and every week. It happens, and it is as disturbing as it is hot. You know you'd hit it at any rate.
The Drunken Gangster
Some people, when they get drunk, start to talk a little bit of rubbish. Usually it is just a bit of exaggeration and boasting, the way that drunken people do, but every now and again a drunk dude will let slip a dark secret – he is a gangster! Oh yeah, he is a real bad ass... he totally knows a guy who killed a guy, totally knows people who sleep with shotguns by their beds and has totally been lucky himself not to do serious time. When I was a kid, a few people did say things like “Don't mess with me, my brother knows people who have killed someone” and, at the time, it was an absolutely terrifying prospect. Then, of course, we all grew up and realised that only a tiny amount of people actually know these random killers who are walking the streets and shopping in Sainsburys. Still, The Drunken Gangster is totally one of those people. The only thing, though, is that all of his hardcore, gang banging knowledge comes from films and TV. If he wants to boozily explain how to dispose of a body, he will just quote Snatch word for word. If he wants to explain how to run a scam, then it will be something like Casino. This, though, does open up one of the best opportunities in life – quote the next line of the film they are referencing. Oh, it's great fun – you have this drunken dude quoting a film like it is his own original idea, and then you quote the next line. It is the stuff that dreams are made of.
The Eternal Mother
Lets face it, pubs, bars and clubs are all places in which people generally make a tit of themselves. They will either flame out with someone they want to bang, get drunk and fall down or fight. It is just the way it is, accept it. The Eternal Mother knows this, and will always be there to clear up the wounds. Need some reassurance? Well, then The Eternal Mother will be there to give you a hug and a pep talk. Two big guys about to kick seven shades of shit out of one another? Well, The Eternal Mother will bravely step into the middle of the battle and scald them both with a mother's tone in order to regain some order. Drunk? Then The Eternal Mother will sit you down in a corner with a big glass of water and make sure you know you're making a tit of yourself. Indeed, The Eternal Mother is like a guardian angel, hovering over all those within the pub world and taking care of everyone under her charge. For the love of god, buy your pub's Eternal Mother a drink tomorrow!
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
I think there is something wrong with the sky...
Right, I don't want to alarm anyone but I think something is wrong with the sky. Over the last few days, I've noticed something a little bit... well, a little bit disturbing. This big yellow thing is in it, and it's gotten really hot. I think, and I admit this is only a working theory, but still.... I think that the sky might well be on fire.
We all know what the sky is like usually, right? It's grey, miserable and covered in cloud, throwing down rain and snow whenever it chooses. It is a right old miserable bastard that sulks and makes it its own business to ruin everyone else's life. You have something planned that is going to take place outside? Well screw you, it's going to rain. Need to get home from work early? Well, fuck you it's going to snow out of season. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what the sky is usually all about.
Recently, though, I've noticed a change. The usual fluffy grey stuff that is all above us have moved away and instead it's this really pretty nice blue colour. What is even weirder is that I can go outside in shorts and a t-shirt and not be cold. And you know why? It's that giant fireball in the sky. That thing that looks like a flaming tennis ball smashed up in the sky, acting the cigarette burn on top of the baby blue surroundings. It is making everything all hot and nice, forcing people to stop being grumpy and start enjoying themselves.
Where it gets even weirder is the night. Instead of the sky just being this great big black expanse broken up intermittently with the glow from the closest urban jungle, there are stars and the moon. It really is all very pretty.
But, the sky isn't meant to be pretty, or nice, or warm. It is meant to be this cold, uncaring miserable thing that gives us grounds to make small talk with each other; a common enemy to hate on. All this nice weather stuff is weird. I mean, sure – it is nice to be able to go outside and enjoy a good old fashioned beer garden, but that isn't what weather is meant to be.
At the end of the day, the weather is meant to be annoying and ruin our lives, not nice. Therefore, the big fireball in the sky must be put out. I therefore make a plea to each and every one of you:
When you next see the sun, I want you to grab your garden hose and spray it as high into the air as you can. I want you to spray the sky with all the water you can find while screaming “Damn you fireball of doom, get back to the Southern Hemisphere where you belong! This is Walford, not bloody Ramsey Street!”
It's the only thing that can return us to normality...
We all know what the sky is like usually, right? It's grey, miserable and covered in cloud, throwing down rain and snow whenever it chooses. It is a right old miserable bastard that sulks and makes it its own business to ruin everyone else's life. You have something planned that is going to take place outside? Well screw you, it's going to rain. Need to get home from work early? Well, fuck you it's going to snow out of season. That, ladies and gentlemen, is what the sky is usually all about.
Recently, though, I've noticed a change. The usual fluffy grey stuff that is all above us have moved away and instead it's this really pretty nice blue colour. What is even weirder is that I can go outside in shorts and a t-shirt and not be cold. And you know why? It's that giant fireball in the sky. That thing that looks like a flaming tennis ball smashed up in the sky, acting the cigarette burn on top of the baby blue surroundings. It is making everything all hot and nice, forcing people to stop being grumpy and start enjoying themselves.
Where it gets even weirder is the night. Instead of the sky just being this great big black expanse broken up intermittently with the glow from the closest urban jungle, there are stars and the moon. It really is all very pretty.
But, the sky isn't meant to be pretty, or nice, or warm. It is meant to be this cold, uncaring miserable thing that gives us grounds to make small talk with each other; a common enemy to hate on. All this nice weather stuff is weird. I mean, sure – it is nice to be able to go outside and enjoy a good old fashioned beer garden, but that isn't what weather is meant to be.
At the end of the day, the weather is meant to be annoying and ruin our lives, not nice. Therefore, the big fireball in the sky must be put out. I therefore make a plea to each and every one of you:
When you next see the sun, I want you to grab your garden hose and spray it as high into the air as you can. I want you to spray the sky with all the water you can find while screaming “Damn you fireball of doom, get back to the Southern Hemisphere where you belong! This is Walford, not bloody Ramsey Street!”
It's the only thing that can return us to normality...
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
Women, and their part in the downfall of the Internet
Back in the old dark days of t'internet, it used to be that all men were men, all women were men and all children were FBI agents. It was the rule of thumb, and that was that.
In this Eternal September era of the internet, though, all sorts of folk are online. It's amazing. I've even seen women, and not ugly frumpy ones who live with 17 cats, use the interweb! And not in the 'You have to pay to see me' way either, actual real womenfolk using it for their own personal enjoyment. It's incredible and borderline life affirming. Thing is, it also often leads to disaster.
We all know that the internet is made up mainly of men. Of those which spend a serious amount of time on the internet, the kinds who belong to WoW guilds and are regulars to Justiv.tv chat rooms and the like, most of them are geeky guys. There is nothing wrong with that, frankly I'm probably classed as a geeky guy, and it is something that has major advantages. The downside is that more often than not, throw a genuinely hot girl into the mix and things start to go a little haywire. It's a bit like the excellent TV show The Big Bang Theory, except with less wit and more flame wars.
It is an unwritten law of the Internet that each and every big online streaming 'channel', every forum and every World of Warcraft guild must have at least one hot girl. It is like the changing of the seasons or Chuck Norris' awesomeness, it just is. Then, the same things always happen. Guys think that they have a shot at nailing them. They take various approaches, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Here are some of the “How To Fail With Some Hot Chick You Know From An Online Group” (yeah, abbreviations and snappy lines aren't my thing...) techniques.
The White Knight
You want to know what The White Knight's moto is? “If you protect the camwhore, you will get to nail the camwhore.” Although in this example there isn't a 'camwhore' per se, just some sort of random hot girl who is sharing a virtual space, the theory is the same. While other members of whatever online community inundate the Hot Girl with love notes, sexual suggestions and general flirtations, the White Knight will defend her honour. Why? Because there is no better way to get on a girls good side and into her pants than suck up to her like her potential new BFF!
The Dick
You know how back at school, there was always one guy who was a proper dick? He was probably either the kid from the richest family in town, related to a minor celeb or something like that. He may even have just been a stand out at something and known it. Well, either way, he was good and he knew it. That made him act the dick. Well, the same goes in geeky circles to. You do get some right proper dicks. And in terms of trying to nail the random Hot Girl who happened to stroll into the same online community, The Dick will use all his dicky moves to try to get in there – showing off, putting others down, coercion - you name it. That is why The Dick is called a dick. He is a dick.
The Bust Up
Why is it that no matter how many generations pass, the same old story always plays out – two guys fall for the same girl and then proceed to wreck a friendship over it. Really, all guys should have the following tattooed onto the insides of their eyelids “Brothers before Bitches.” In the more geeky online version of the world, though, the good old 'Its either him or me' bust up usually occurs sooner rather than later when two leading guild members\channel broadcasters\forum mods\etc. both fall head over heels in love with the same Hot Girl. It will always end in some good old fashioned drama between the supposed friends, as you just cannot do drama like the internet can, with the girl eventually winding up with some guy form outside the web who is a normal, well adjusted person. C'est la vie.
In this Eternal September era of the internet, though, all sorts of folk are online. It's amazing. I've even seen women, and not ugly frumpy ones who live with 17 cats, use the interweb! And not in the 'You have to pay to see me' way either, actual real womenfolk using it for their own personal enjoyment. It's incredible and borderline life affirming. Thing is, it also often leads to disaster.
We all know that the internet is made up mainly of men. Of those which spend a serious amount of time on the internet, the kinds who belong to WoW guilds and are regulars to Justiv.tv chat rooms and the like, most of them are geeky guys. There is nothing wrong with that, frankly I'm probably classed as a geeky guy, and it is something that has major advantages. The downside is that more often than not, throw a genuinely hot girl into the mix and things start to go a little haywire. It's a bit like the excellent TV show The Big Bang Theory, except with less wit and more flame wars.
It is an unwritten law of the Internet that each and every big online streaming 'channel', every forum and every World of Warcraft guild must have at least one hot girl. It is like the changing of the seasons or Chuck Norris' awesomeness, it just is. Then, the same things always happen. Guys think that they have a shot at nailing them. They take various approaches, sometimes good and sometimes bad. Here are some of the “How To Fail With Some Hot Chick You Know From An Online Group” (yeah, abbreviations and snappy lines aren't my thing...) techniques.
The White Knight
You want to know what The White Knight's moto is? “If you protect the camwhore, you will get to nail the camwhore.” Although in this example there isn't a 'camwhore' per se, just some sort of random hot girl who is sharing a virtual space, the theory is the same. While other members of whatever online community inundate the Hot Girl with love notes, sexual suggestions and general flirtations, the White Knight will defend her honour. Why? Because there is no better way to get on a girls good side and into her pants than suck up to her like her potential new BFF!
The Dick
You know how back at school, there was always one guy who was a proper dick? He was probably either the kid from the richest family in town, related to a minor celeb or something like that. He may even have just been a stand out at something and known it. Well, either way, he was good and he knew it. That made him act the dick. Well, the same goes in geeky circles to. You do get some right proper dicks. And in terms of trying to nail the random Hot Girl who happened to stroll into the same online community, The Dick will use all his dicky moves to try to get in there – showing off, putting others down, coercion - you name it. That is why The Dick is called a dick. He is a dick.
The Bust Up
Why is it that no matter how many generations pass, the same old story always plays out – two guys fall for the same girl and then proceed to wreck a friendship over it. Really, all guys should have the following tattooed onto the insides of their eyelids “Brothers before Bitches.” In the more geeky online version of the world, though, the good old 'Its either him or me' bust up usually occurs sooner rather than later when two leading guild members\channel broadcasters\forum mods\etc. both fall head over heels in love with the same Hot Girl. It will always end in some good old fashioned drama between the supposed friends, as you just cannot do drama like the internet can, with the girl eventually winding up with some guy form outside the web who is a normal, well adjusted person. C'est la vie.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
You Know You're Drunk When...
You Know You're Drunk When...
- ... a kebab seems like the best invention since the fire that cooked it.
- ... setting fire to sambuca, putting it out on your hand then drinking it seems like a brilliant idea.
- ... that gate MUST BE CLIMBED! NO MATTER WHAT!
- ... that girl with the moustache and adams apple looks like Megan Fox.
- ... that angry email you've always wanted to send just flows like poetry. It would be rude to not let them know how you really feel.
- ... all electrical devices that allow you to spend money or communicate with another human being should, in hindsight, have come with a breathaliser. On the plus side, after calling your boss at 3am to ask for a raise you will have plenty of time to watch that Knightrider box set you just ordered.
- ... someone knocking into you accidently becomes grounds for an international incident.
- ... fighting bouncers is the best idea ever. You are more opressed than every minority ever! You should totally storm the club armed with a windscreen wiper shouting "VIVA LA REVOLUTION!"
- ... you feel that undying urge to tell someone you only half know that you love them and want to spend more time with them.
- ... you are male and think you can dance.
Monday, 29 March 2010
Who needs a sleeping patern?
Look, I'm going to admit something here - I messed up. I know, I thought I was perfect too, but no...
I've spent most of this weekend covering The Australian Grand Prix and watching UFC 111 and Wrestlemania 26 as a fan. That means that I have absolutely trashed my body clock. I've always had a somewhat lapse grasp on my sleeping patterns, but this weekend it has gotten ridiculous. It is like jetlag, except I didn't even get to go on fucking holiday.
Anyway, the upshot of all of that is I've fallen off the ball here a bit. I intended to do Thursday's post inbetween the first F1 practice sessions, but I couldn't keep my eyes open for long enough to do so. I meant to do today's while watching Wrestlemania, but instead we started doing shots whenever anyone was on screen in just their trunks and it all got a little fuzzy...
Because of all of that, I'm left with the immortal question that plagues students the world over - do I stay awake for two days to correct my body clock, or do I just wing it and stay on a messed up body clock. I mean, it can't be THAT bad for you to sleep at 7am and wake up at 4pm, can it?
Actually, compared to some students, a 7am till 4pm sleep pattern is sort of normal. I'm up late at night quite a lot watching\covering sport and without a word of a lie, a huge number of students I know are known to turn up on Skype calling me at 3am saying "Yeah, I just woke up. What day is it?"
And that is another reason while I'm always jealous of students. They seem to live the life of a king - sleeping as much as they want, whenever they want and they ALWAYS have money to go drinking. All the more reason why I'm strongly considering becoming one, just to take a 3 year holiday... I mean, getting a degree can't be that hard, can it?
Anyway, I'll be back to normal tomorrow as , even though today is Monday, this is Sunday's post...
I've spent most of this weekend covering The Australian Grand Prix and watching UFC 111 and Wrestlemania 26 as a fan. That means that I have absolutely trashed my body clock. I've always had a somewhat lapse grasp on my sleeping patterns, but this weekend it has gotten ridiculous. It is like jetlag, except I didn't even get to go on fucking holiday.
Anyway, the upshot of all of that is I've fallen off the ball here a bit. I intended to do Thursday's post inbetween the first F1 practice sessions, but I couldn't keep my eyes open for long enough to do so. I meant to do today's while watching Wrestlemania, but instead we started doing shots whenever anyone was on screen in just their trunks and it all got a little fuzzy...
Because of all of that, I'm left with the immortal question that plagues students the world over - do I stay awake for two days to correct my body clock, or do I just wing it and stay on a messed up body clock. I mean, it can't be THAT bad for you to sleep at 7am and wake up at 4pm, can it?
Actually, compared to some students, a 7am till 4pm sleep pattern is sort of normal. I'm up late at night quite a lot watching\covering sport and without a word of a lie, a huge number of students I know are known to turn up on Skype calling me at 3am saying "Yeah, I just woke up. What day is it?"
And that is another reason while I'm always jealous of students. They seem to live the life of a king - sleeping as much as they want, whenever they want and they ALWAYS have money to go drinking. All the more reason why I'm strongly considering becoming one, just to take a 3 year holiday... I mean, getting a degree can't be that hard, can it?
Anyway, I'll be back to normal tomorrow as , even though today is Monday, this is Sunday's post...
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Dear Cold: Fuck You
Dear Cold,
I understand that you chose to infect me, and frankly I enjoyed the fact that it gave me an excuse to develop a borderline Night Nurse addiction and spend three days on the sofa. Now, though, it is Monday. I need to work. I quite enjoy earning money, and if I don't work then I don't get any. Giving me sporadic fits where I explode in a snotty cloud of germ isn't really conductive to me being able to buy food this week.
Neither are the pounding headaches, either. They really bug me. I do NOT like headaches, you see. To put it bluntly, Mr Cold, they fuck me right off. In a week where I'm having to do far too much web design work, which gives me a headache anyway, they are totally NOT helpful.
I also have to be awake all weekend covering the Australian Grand Prix for The Black Stuff. Colds do not help that.
Please. Go away. Now. The Night Nurse can stay though....
Thank you in advance,
Me
I understand that you chose to infect me, and frankly I enjoyed the fact that it gave me an excuse to develop a borderline Night Nurse addiction and spend three days on the sofa. Now, though, it is Monday. I need to work. I quite enjoy earning money, and if I don't work then I don't get any. Giving me sporadic fits where I explode in a snotty cloud of germ isn't really conductive to me being able to buy food this week.
Neither are the pounding headaches, either. They really bug me. I do NOT like headaches, you see. To put it bluntly, Mr Cold, they fuck me right off. In a week where I'm having to do far too much web design work, which gives me a headache anyway, they are totally NOT helpful.
I also have to be awake all weekend covering the Australian Grand Prix for The Black Stuff. Colds do not help that.
Please. Go away. Now. The Night Nurse can stay though....
Thank you in advance,
Me
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